Love/Hate: Christmas Carols

I both love and hate a lot of things and this December, Christmas isn’t safe.  In the Fridays leading up to Christmas, I will recount all things that I both love and hate about Christmas.  This week’s installment:  Christmas Carols.

Love:

1)  Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.

This song is so beautiful, how could you not love it?  The act of these two gentlemen singing a Christmas carol together has been described as “surreal” given the polar opposite nature of their musical styles.  I imagine a similar comparison today would be Lady Gaga and Barbara Streisand.  Although a lot of performers have tried their best to screw this song up (yeah, I’m talking to you Simpson sisters), this particular performance ranks up there as one of my holiday faves.  I, however, prefer to listen to this song rather than watch the video because I’m frightened by David Bowie and his teeth.  I am ok with Bing Crosby though, he just looks like he’s ply you with Werther’s Originals.

2)  Dominick the Donkey by Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Lou Monte.

The Hat I Got for Christmas is Too Big by Mel Blanc.

I paired these two Christmas carols together because they are both equal parts amusing and ridiculous.  A perfect combination for the holidays.  I honestly had never heard of these two carols until I started dating my husband.  When he first started singing them, I was convinced that he made them up (he makes up songs all the time so this idea wasn’t so farfetched).  Surprisingly enough, they are real and here for your holiday enjoyment.

3)  Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley.

Santa Bring my Baby Back (to Me) by Elvis Presley.

I LOVE Elvis Presley’s Christmas Album so it was really hard for me to choose just one to share so I chose two.  They are very similar though, you know, upbeat yet bluesy songs about being alone on Christmas.  Normally this sentiment would depress me (see Hate #2) but I can’t help but love Elvis, it’s in the veins.  You see, my mother is a rabid Elvis Presley fan.  We used to listen to the Christmas album as we baked and decorated Christmas cookies.  She is a crazy Elvis fan though.  No kidding, we had an Elvis cardboard cutout in our house for the good part of my adolescence.  My mother wouldn’t get rid of Elvis’ presence in the living room until my father agreed to banish his mounted deer head from the dining room.  They both relented sometime during my college career and neither are displayed anymore.  Elvis does make an appearance from time to time though when the family dog acts up.  Snickers the Dog is terrified of cardboard Elvis.  As she should be.

4)  Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney .

I don’t really even like this song but there is one thing that I love about it.  This song turns my husband into grinning, dancing fool and nothing amuses me more.  I’m not really into Paul McCartney or synthesizers but when I see that tall, hairy guy dancing around like a kid, I’m truly having a wonderful Christmas time.

5) War on Christmas by Toby Keith.

(I couldn’t embed this one so you’ll just have to click here, wah wah)

I have no words for this one.  You just have to watch it and then you’ll understand why I love it.  Ok, that’s not my style.  I will say one thing.  Toby Keith is clever.  If you believe his ignorant, hick persona, I think he’s got you fooled.

Hate:

1)  Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy Shropshire.

My grandma hates this song and with good reason.  They depict Grandma as a drunk and then she dies.  On Christmas.  At the hands (hoofs?) of a reindeer.  And what’s more, no one seems to care, especially grandpa.  What.  A.  Jerk.

2)  Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg.

This song is so bizarre and un-Christmasy that it had to make the hate list.  Not familiar?  Let me explain:  This guy runs into his ex at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, it’s super awkward yet they want to get some drinks, the bars are closed so they grab a six pack at the liquor store and drink it in her car.  With me so far?  It gets better.  They toast to their youth and talk about how she doesn’t love her husband, she kisses him on the cheek and leaves.  The end.  Don’t you feel all warm and Christmasy now?  I only know one person who loves this Christmas carol and she’s almost 50 and divorced.  I guess that makes sense.

3)  I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevy.

Nothing is more obnoxious than young children singing like they are 30 years old.  This is also why I’m glad that Star Search isn’t on the air anymore.  Who asks for a hippo anyway?  Why in the world would you want a hippo?  Where would you keep it?  What do you even feed a hippo?  Maybe these are all things you should’ve thought about before wasting your Santa Christmas wish on a hippo, little girl.

4)  Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano.

The longest repetitive song ever.  I can’t even imagine how much money Jose Feliciano makes every Christmas from this annoying song and all he did was string two phrases together and repeat them for three minutes.  I don’t know who is dumber; Jose for writing it or for the general public for listening to and encouraging it.

5)  The Christmas Shoes by NewSong.

The most awful Christmas carol EVER.  How depressing is this song?  Not only is this little boy poor and dirty but his mom is dying at Christmas.  And all the kid wants for Christmas is a new pair of shoes for his mom to wear when she sees Jesus in heaven.  Christmas buzzkill!   I don’t know, maybe he should be at home with his dying mom rather than waiting in line for a new pair of shoes.  Just sayin’.

Go On Oprah, Don’t Let the Door Hit You On the Way Out

Recently Oprah Winfrey announced that her talk show would be ending.  In two years.  That gives us two whole years to talk about how much we’re going to miss Oprah and what will we read and who will tells us who to judge and what to do…  Well, two years cannot come quick enough for some of us.

I’ve never really had good feelings toward Oprah.  I can respect that she is a hardcore good business woman and has built an empire complete with loyal subjects, but her show is not for me.  I hate how she has a hold over the “housewife market” and if she so much as sneezes toward a product sales to that demographic explode.  Really, ladies?  Oprah is a billionaire.  She did not get that way by telling you the truth about what face cream is the best or the most effective new diet.  Sure, she gives a ton of money away through charity, and that is very respectable, but even then I have that same gnawing skepticism as I do when Angelina runs around snapping pictures and snatching babies from third-world countries.  It’s just a little too image-conscious.  (Like giving away cars to everyone in her audience?)

I hate how she brings anorexic women or couples about to get divorced on the show to give their sad story over national TV and then gets her psychologist friends to practice whatever pop-therapy is in fashion, and then sends them on their way like they’re healed.   And can we talk about Dr. Phil??  He must have gotten his PhD in getting on my nerves because that guy is relentless.  I think the worst part about being a celebrity and going crazy would be running the risk of an unsolicited intervention by Dr. Phil.   Take your yelling, your blaming the parents, and the rest of your bad advice and go back to Texas.

Um, and remember how Oprah wasn’t allowed into that Hermes store after hours and then she went on her show to brattily tell everyone not to shop there?  What was that??  And how does someone fawn over Kanye but oppose Ludacris?

I certainly don’t dislike all talk shows.  I loved it when Ricki Lake used to send bad kids to boot camp.  I like it when Maury gives nerds makeovers then has them face their high school crushes.  I like finding out who the baby daddy is and if he is willing to accept responsibility.  Even Tyra with her maniacal ego and clown makeup amuses me.  But I’m not running around talking about how any of these people know what’s best for me.

And one more thing.  Oprah is not leaving!  She’s got a magazine, the book club and an entire channel devoted to all Oprah goings on to guide us when she leaves.  This is all clearly part of some master plan for for the Oprah Brand world takeover.

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

Ok ok, in my first official blog entry, one of the phrases that I proclaimed should never be uttered to an unemployed woman with a graduate degree was: “You should have a baby.”  Even though I still truly believe that is an inappropriate suggestion for a young woman in my circumstance, I am pregnant with my first child.  One thing is for certain, I did the world a huge service when I posted that initial entry.  People say all sorts of stupid and inappropriate things to other people.  Throughout the past few months, I have found that people’s stupidity isn’t completely relegated to unemployed, educated females; there are many inappropriate phrases unleashed upon pregnant woman as well.  When it comes to pregnant women, I feel that I’m pretty reasonable.  Sure, I have my days where commercials make me cry and when I wake up in a bad mood for no reason, but more often than not, I’m not overcome by hormones to the point that it makes me irrational.  (Except for maybe that one day where my husband and Vitamin G played tennis and went out for pancakes without me.  Tennis is stupid and I’m glad that pregnant women aren’t allowed to play because that gives me the perfect excuse to not play tennis with my husband.  He’s your problem now, Vitamin G.  But everyone knows that pregnant women love pancakes and yet no one invited me!!!  Pancakes and pregnant women go together like Tiger Woods and skanks.  A perfect match.  No matter what a pregnant woman is craving, it can be included in a pancake:  fruit, bacon, cheese…  I love pancakes!  And Baby wants a piece.).  Regardless, the following phrases aren’t upsetting to pregnant women because of the hormones surging through our body.  They are upsetting because they are inapprop.

“Looks like someone is getting a belly.” Oh no, you didn’t!  You DID NOT just point out any sort of weight gain to a pregnant woman.  Are you high?!  What is wrong with you?!  Planned or unplanned, from the moment a woman discovers that she’s pregnant, she immediately wonders how her body is going to change.  Her immediate next thought is whether or not she will ever look the same.   With each pound and pronouncement of the belly, she is equal parts ecstatic and terrified.  That’s a dangerous combination and you just reminded her of it by uttering that phrase.  Careful, buddy.

“Aw, you don’t want to find out the sex of the baby, just be surprised.” Oh yeah, I mean, why would I want to be prepared with gender appropriate clothes or decorate the baby’s room in something other than the color yellow?  Do you open your Christmas presents in May just so that you can sit in anticipation for six more months to increase the surprise factor?  No.  Because guess what?  It’s a surprise no matter when you find out.  You can either find out now or six months from now.  Why would I wait?  While we’re on the subject, are you carrying this baby?  Did you have morning sickness for weeks?  Do you have to run to the bathroom every five minutes?  What?  No?  Then don’t tell me what to do.

“Don’t you just love being pregnant?” Alright, honesty hour here.  In a word?  No.  Am I super thankful and excited to be pregnant?  ABSOLUTELY.  Do I LOVE being pregnant?  Um, no, I’d much rather have the baby here now than wait six more months.   Not to mention that I spent the good part of my first trimester so ill that I couldn’t move and now that I’m in my second trimester, my body changes so rapidly day by day that it’s frightening.  And from what I hear, the third trimester is pretty uncomfortable.  So, let’s see, have the baby or be pregnant?  I’ll take the kid as soon as it’s ready, please.

“Parenting is a lot of work.” No!  You don’t say!  Here I thought that I would have this baby in May and then for the next 18 years at least, life would be simple and wonderful.  C’mon now, I know how hard parenting must be because during the past five years, I had to work with college students.  And a large percentage of those college students were just awful human beings.  This made me realize how hard parenting must be because the majority of you parents with college-aged children really did a terrible job.  But your poorly behaved children did give me some guidance on how not to parent and for that, I thank you.

“Maternity clothes are ugly.” Um, thanks.  I have to wear those for the next six months and you just told me how ugly they are.  Unless I want to wear sweatpants and my husband’s t-shirts out of the house, I really have no choice.  Why don’t you call me fat while you’re at it?  Or eat pancakes without me?  Ouch.

“I don’t want to ruin my body.” Oh man, I’m ruining my body by being pregnant?  I had no idea!  Get this thing out of me!  Seriously folks, I know that I already mentioned this but pregnant woman have no idea how these pregnancies are going to affect their bodies.  Even if you don’t have the perfect pre-baby body, for nine months you are left wondering what it’s going to look like after that kid pops out.  Please don’t remind pregnant women about this, it’s something that we already think about.  Your negativity is just going to drive me into a gallon of ice cream and then what will my body look like in six more months?

In closing, many pregnant women are fond of these kitschy words but I’m not.  So, do yourself a favor and refrain from using the following words when referring to my pregnancy:  preggo, preggers, and baby bump.  Acceptable substitutes are pregnant, with child, expecting, and baby belly.

Where I’ve Been

I know some (one) of you have been wondering where I’ve been lately, so I’m giving you some excuses for why my posts have not been up to the frequency you’ve come to expect.

♦      I was concentrating on training before Thanksgiving so that I could eat my weight in stuffing on the big day.

♦       I got to the finals on I Want To Work For Diddy but was eliminated in the second to last episode when my constructive criticism was misinterpreted as “bitchassness.”

♦       I’ve been spending a lot of time driving to and from Scott Depot (which, it turns out, is a depot of NOTHING other than my car every other day).

♦       I got completely wrapped up in a Wings marathon and watched all 7 years of episodes.

♦       My typing fingers got stuck together in an experimental super glue incident and they had to be surgically disconnected.

♦       I had to go on a book signing tour for my new autobiography about how boring and cold it is to be the governor of Alaska.

♦       My computer got swine flu.

♦       I got lost in cyberspace and started posting on another blog for a while, it’s too bad you missed that; those posts were hilarious.

♦       After appearing on TRL in an oversized t-shirt with a cart full of ice cream, I took some time to myself to battle an extreme case of “exhaustion.”

♦       After losing the 1912 election by a landslide I drank my sorrows away sailing down the Amazon River on an ill-fated jungle adventure with few supplies other than bourbon and a lasso.

I hope at least one of these answers your questions or at least assuages your concerns.  Clearly my life is prone to odd marathons, tours and adventures but I will try to post more.

Mondoo’s Mailbag

So when I solicited for some Mondoo’s Mailbag inquiries a couple weeks ago, I never imagined that I’d actually get a response.  Well, that’s not true, I have a lot of family who read this and kinda thought that some of them would feel pitied into submitting something.  But never did I expect such a plethora of topics to discuss.  How exciting!   Let’s begin…

Our first mailbag question comes from Ganky and she writes:

“Why do we have to be so “politically correct” in all our lives???? Why can’t we laugh and make fun of the person falling down the steps, picking their butt,and those darn lycra pants that every obese woman insists on wearing to WalMart? Guess what–they’re clumsy/ rude/ and obese. Oh, I can list tons more but it wouldn’t be politically         correct!!!!!!!“

Thank you, Ganky, for making my first mailbag question so easy to answer… by answering it youself.  I agree.

Our next question comes from Kristina who is, no doubt, fabulous:

“Mondoo, You have a plenty of higher education knowledge and in an effort to help you exercise that knowledge (I wish I had a way to do that), I ask that you identify some problems you feel exist and explain how “Mondoo” could make it all run more smoothly!”

Excellent question, Kristina.  Honestly, in this day and age, the biggest problem that I feel exists in higher education is that no one is currently hiring… me.  I mean, it’s like you said, I have plenty of higher education knowledge, and not to mention that this blog has helped to sharpen my tongue, enhance my writing skills, and help me turn a critical eye to a number of pertinent world issues like vampires, festival foods, and creepy college mascots.  Any higher education institution would be lucky to have me.

And now a question from Mrs. Zack Morris:

Mondoo:  What kind of bear is best? What’s that? It’s a ridiculous question? Fine…then what is your favorite “The Office” prank and why?

My favorite prank from The Office is how they’ve managed to make that show mostly unfunny since Season 3.  Granted there are fantastic episodes here and there and funny little quips from time to time but nothing like the hilarity of my favorite season, Season 2.  Oh, is that not what you meant?  My bad.  Asking to list your favorite prank is like asking me to choose my favorite festival food, impossible so here’s a video that has a lot of my favorites, especially #2, it still makes me LOL.

I have a question for you, Mrs. Zach Morris.  How do you feel about Kelly being impregnated?  Do you fear that your husband may have been unfaithful?   I’m sorry if that is too painful to talk about.  Try not to go all Elin Nordegren Woods on him.

Kerri was lovely enough to provide a visual with her question:

In other news, and maybe you could finagle another hate-filled (read: hilarious) post out of this. I saw this notepad at Pier 1 yesterday, and thought of you. I feel like driving with the windows up and fussing at other drivers is another appropriate outlet for being sort of hateful. What are your driving habits in that area, Mondoo? What is your favorite  thing to yell about/what action of other drivers pisses you off the most?

This is a tough question actually, Kerri, because my hate is unleashed frequently when driving, even more so than when I’m blogging, which is hard to believe, I know.  I alluded to this during my Mondoo’s Thanksgiving Tips post but the most annoying thing about other drivers is the fact that they drive slowly in the passing lane like it’s simply a second lane.  Well, guess what, it’s not; it’s a PASSING lane, meant for faster drivers who are PASSING you.  So, MOVE OVER!  You can tail people for miles and miles and they still don’t move over forcing you to pass them on the right, which is dangerous and aggravating.  The biggest offenders of this act:  people from Ohio and the handicapped.  I was just politically incorrect, happy Ganky?

Our final question today comes from Beefer, who sounds very handsome, like The Rock:

You say you hate a lot of things. But you also say that you love your husband. Is there  anything you hate about him?  Like how handsome he is?  Also, what happened toVitamin G? Is she dead? Should I send a sympathy card?

Beefer, let’s get one thing straight, I would never pair the word hate with the subject of husband.  He is fabulous… fabulously handsome.  However, there are a few things about him that annoy the bejeezus out of me.  Aside from making me talk to him in the car, he fake whistles in the morning.  He does this in our bathroom that adjoins our bedroom… while I’m still trying to sleep.  What do I mean by fake whistling?  Well, when he was little, he couldn’t whistle properly, just like he couldn’t ride a bike properly until his little sister showed him how.  So, he learned to fake whistle and still does it now by pushing air through his teeth and lips.  Annoying.  He also does another annoying thing with his mouth.  He thinks that he’s being polite by not releasing his burps and instead pushes the air through his teeth and lips “Shhhhh!”  Like someone is letting air out of a tire.  He’s a big guy and burps A LOT so instead of disgusting belches, I hear “SHHHH!” every three seconds.  I know that the alternative isn’t much better but still, annoying.  So you see, Beefer, even though I love my husband more than anything in the world, my hate knows no bounds.

As for Vitamin G, your guess is as good as mine.  Yes, please send me a sympathy card.  I love mail.

Speaking of mail, please continue to send your Mondoo’s Mailbag inquiries either by leaving a comment or by emailing 141characters@gmail.com.

Mondoo’s Thanksgiving Tips

141characters is taking a little hiatus for the rest of the week due to the wonderful holiday that is Thanksgiving.  No worries, Mondoo will be back next week with more wit, wisdom, Mondoo’s Mailbag, and Love/Hate.  In the meantime, I leave you with some guidelines in order to make the most of your Thanksgiving holiday.

Eat. Thanksgiving is only one holiday, so just eat.  Forget about your diet, looking good in your bathing suit, or fitting into that dress.  Holidays aren’t about weight loss; they are about good food and this food you can only usually get once a year.  Just eat.

Avoid sketchy relatives. There are always at least one or two family members at holiday gatherings that you want to steer clear from; maybe more depending on your family.  A fabulous way to avoid those relatives that just skeeve you out is finding an ally.  Perhaps the ally is a spouse, sibling, or cousin; whoever it is, make a pact and stick together.  Some sort of alliance is your only hope at avoiding an awkward relative encounter over the pumpkin pie.

Make time for friends. Thanksgiving is the one holiday during the year where most, if not all, of your hometown friends are going to be home during the same timeframe as you.  Use the long holiday weekend to your advantage and spend as much time as you can with your friends, you’ll see your family at Christmas.  Oh!  You can also use plans with your friends to avoid sketchy relatives.

Don’t shop on Black Friday. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no deal is worth getting up early or dying.  Do yourself a favor and sleep in on Friday.  You have 28 more days to shop.

Eat again. If someone offers you leftovers, an extra slice of pie, or if someone encourages you to eat again after a short break/nap, do it.  Thanksgiving and all of its goodies only come once a year.  Eat up.

Travel safe. I’ve never seen so many idiots on the road as I do during the Thanksgiving holiday.  It’s like people forget how to drive during the last week of November.  Interstates get bottlenecked all the time at Thanksgiving and it never fails, some stupid college girl on her cell phone isn’t paying attention and rear-ends the car in front of her causing a chain reaction of dumb.  Don’t be that person.  Here are some tips for safe and idiot-free holiday travel:  travel in a reliable car; pay attention; and if you are driving slowly in the passing lane, move the hell over, it’s courteous and, in most states, the law.

Don’t fill up on carbs… from beer. You can have beer any time of the year, don’t drink it on Thanksgiving.  There are too many other enjoyable carbs to fill up on, like stuffing.

Run in a Turkey Trot. If you run in a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning, it usually only takes 30 minutes but completely justifies eating twice as much throughout the day.  You ran in a race!  Eat!

Don’t actually watch football. Thanksgiving football is usually pretty awful.  And it features the Lions.

Be thankful. No one likes a Bitter Betty, Sourpuss Sue, Debbie Downer, or Harrumph Harry, so buck up and be thankful and appreciative this holiday.  I hate how holidays bring out the worst in some people.  That’s just wrong.  You’re eating good food, I’m sure you like at least one person in your family, and you usually don’t have to go to work; enjoy it.  And give thanks.

For Hire: Arrgh!

A couple of times during my brief residence here in West Virginia, I’ve stopped by the local Foodland (read: small, inadequate, oftentimes dirty-ish grocery store) to pick up a few things later on a Friday night.  (I realize how lame that makes me sound, grocery shopping late on a Friday night, but I swear it’s only to drop in to get milk or something and it’s after all of my cool kid festivities are over.  I swear.)  Each time I’ve visited the Foodland on Friday evening, I see him.  A pirate.  Shining the floors with an industrial-sized buffer.  To be fair, I don’t know if he’s a real pirate but he was wearing an eye patch and seemed kinda dirty.  Possibly smelly.  So, based on all things stereotype, there is a pirate who cleans the floors at Foodland on Friday nights.  He got me thinking though.  I’m sure pirates have real jobs when they aren’t out sailing the high seas.  What are some other jobs that pirates may have in the off-season?  Certainly there’s no hope in major league baseball (Zing!  I got you, Pittsburgh Pirates!).  Here are some possibilities though:

 

Dating Service Spokesman: I mean, who better to help you find your matey than a pirate?  Jack Sparrow, despite his various pirate diseases, always got the girl.

Spanish Tutor: I took Spanish for years and always had trouble rolling my Rs when I came across an “erre.”  I could’ve used a pirate Spanish tutor.  They have plenty of practice with RRRs and I’m sure pirates have picked up speaking skills in various foreign languages during their pillaging travels.

Bus Driver: It takes a skilled navigator to plot a course on the high seas, especially during a storm or while you’re fleeing your enemies.  These skills are easily adaptable to a bus driver navigating the city streets.  I bet if you’re quiet and toss him a few doubloons, he won’t make you walk the plank.

Mall Cop: Who better to patrol retail stores during the holiday shopping season than a pirate?  He knows exactly what kind of swindling and swashbuckling to look out for.  Get that pirate a Segway and it’ll make him feel like he’s surveying from the crow’s nest.

Bounty Hunter: It seems like a logical transition from a booty hunter to a bounty hunter.  I like to think that a pirate would welcome the opportunity to hunt for criminals rather than be the hunted—or he could turn out to be both!

Pawn Shop Owner: Everyone knows that pirates have the ultimate skills in business and bartering, not to mention their eye for quality goods.  I don’t know about you, but I’d visit Blackbeard’s Treasure Chest and Pawn Shop.

Arrrrt Teacher: To be honest, I don’t know what qualifies a pirate to be an art teacher.  Arrgh and Arrrt was just an easy comparison.

 

In other pirate news, have you ever wondered what your pirate name may be?  Thanks to my sister-in-law and her knowledge of all things pirate, here is a quiz to help you out with that one:  http://www.piratequiz.com/.  For the record, my pirate name is Dirty Anne Bonney.

 

Love/Hate: The 80s

Our friends are having an 80s-themed birthday party this weekend and this event has inspired this week’s edition of Love/Hate.  For the record, I must say that I’m most excited about attending a party in an oversized-sweatshirt and feathering my bangs again.

Love:

1)  My birth. Ah, yes, what a great decade.  The decade that brought you Mondoo.  Without the 80s and my miraculous birth, what blog would you read every day?

2)  The movies. If you’ve read my post Rewind then you know all about my affection for 80s movies.  There were so many cinematic gems, no, classics, brought to us in the 80s:  Beetlejuice, ET, Star Wars V and VI, THREE Indiana Jones movies, Ghostbusters, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, The Karate Kid; I could go on.  They really don’t make movies like that anymore.  They tried to make another Indiana Jones movie this decade and it totally blew.  Although, I must admit, I did see it twice in the theater.  I went the second time because my ticket was free and I really wanted some popcorn.  They had serve your own butter!  The key to serve your own butter is asking them to fill it up halfway, you saturate the middle with butter, and then you return the counter, they fill it up the rest of the way, and then you saturate the top with butter.  Halfway through the bag:  a buttery surprise!

3)  Legwarmers. I think that legwarmers are fantastic for a number of reasons.  1)  I get cold easily and anything that is constructed to warm me is welcomed.  2)  Legwarmers were (and as I discovered shopping for 80s costume supplies, still are) sold in a variety of colors and styles allowing you to match to any shade of neon, any pair of leggings, and any kind of brightly colored eye shadow that you wanted to wear that day.  3)  In a word:  Cankles.  Yes, I have cankles and I’m so very bitter about it.  Legwarmers help me to conceal this travesty and for that, I love them and the 80s.

4)  80s slang. Do we even have slang now in the 2000s?  Maybe I’m just getting old but I don’t think that we do.  I make up my own slang all the time but it usually doesn’t have the same world-wide appeal as slang did in the 80s.  Here were some of my favorite 80s catchphrases:  411, airhead, bombdiggity, Take a chill pill, cowabunga, legit, sike, and spaz.

5)  Yuppies. A conversation between my husband and me yesterday as we ate lunch at a lovely downtown café; in order to set the scene, I was eating a West Virginia Hot Dog and we were discussing this post:

Mr. Mondoo:  What about yuppies?

Mondoo:  Oh yes!  I have them listed under Love.

Mr. Mondoo:  Why?!

Mondoo:  Because if we were living our current lives in the 80s, we’d totally be yuppies.

Mr. Mondoo:  No we wouldn’t!  We don’t wear expensive clothes, drive fancy cars, or      live in a giant house.

(pause)

Mondoo:  No… but I want to.

Hate:

1)  The music. I blame modern day radio for making me hate 80s music.  Not all 80s music is crappy, in fact, I liked a lot of it like the rock tunes of Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Guns and Roses; I absolutely loved NKTOB, Paula Abdul, Michael Jackson; and who doesn’t love the hip-hop anthems of Salt-N-Peppa and Run DMC?  But when present day DJs celebrate the 80s, they insist on playing songs by U2, A-Ha, Flock of Seagulls, Tears for Fears, Jody Whatley, Simple Minds, and Cutting Crew.  If I wanted to listen to soft music with synthesizers, I would ride in elevators all day.

2)  Madonna.  Speaking of crappy 80s music, let’s talk about Madonna.  I never liked Madonna and I still don’t, but I always felt like I should.  She’s way too gimmicky for my tastes.  It’s like she tried too hard to be slutty and rebellious when all she was really doing was copying Cyndi Lauper’s clothes and poppy beats.  Get your own act, Madonna.  Man, she’s even more obnoxious now but we’re not talking about now, we’re talking about the 80s.  And Madonna sucked in the 80s.  Who said it?!  I said it!

3)  Neon. No wonder everyone wore giant shades in the 80s.  Neon is bright and offensive.  And neon isn’t anyone’s color.  But wow, everyone wore neon in the 80s: neon Umbro shorts, neon Hypercolor t-shirts, neon windbreakers, neon spandex shorts; you name it, it came in neon.  Thank God that trend is over.

4)  Worst decade for Pittsburgh sports. In the 80s, the Steel Curtain retired and (according to Mr. Mondoo) the Pens effectively threw the 1983-84 season so that they could draft Mario Lemieux.  Also, even though the Pirates do currently suck, at least the Pirate Parrot hasn’t been busted for selling cocaine to players so far this decade.  Plus, in the late 2000s, Pittsburghers are so used to winning championships and in the 80s, no championships.  Wah wah city.

5)  People still living in the 80s. You’ve all seen them.  The women that prompt you to say “Hey, the 80s called, they want their hair back.”  The 80s were so good that people don’t want to let them go.  Perhaps the biggest offenders of this phenomenon are Yinzers.  Big hair, mustaches, mullets, femullets, long press-on fingernails, poofy bangs—they love the 80s… and the Stillers.

Mondoo’s Mailbag

My husband reads all sorts of blogs on a daily basis, but one blog in particular, he often encourages me to read; more specifically, he encourages me to read this blog’s weekly “mailbag” post.  The many readers of this particular blog submit questions, comments, etc. and then weekly, the blogger regales them with his witty insights and musings.  Since imitation is the highest form of flattery, I want to down-right copy this man’s idea and institute my own recurring mailbag post.  His mailbag posts are hilarious so I figure that mine will be even more amusing.

That’s where you, 141characters loyal readers—all five of you, come in.  I need you to submit your questions, topic ideas, and so on.  You can do this in one of two ways: 1) Post a comment on Mondoo’s Mailbag posts and I will reply in a subsequent post, or 2) Should you wish to remain anonymous, simply send an email to 141characters@gmail.com with Mondoo’s Mailbag as the subject line and include your alias.

What kinds of questions can you ask or which kinds of topics can you propose?  Anything, that’s the beauty of this idea! Do you want my opinion on a specific topic that I have not yet covered in my daily posts?  Do you need some guidance with a dilemma plaguing your life?  Maybe you need some gift giving advice for the upcoming holiday season; whatever the case, mail it in!  But keep in mind, this mailbag idea will completely bomb unless you play along, so get going!  Until I receive some inquires, I will address some fake ones that I just made up:

Mondoo, why are your posts so hate-filled?

Honestly, I’m really not a hateful person.  In fact, I’m quite happy with my life and everything in it but I do get aggravated by a lot of things and rather than take them all out on my husband, I project a lot of my hate into the blog.  But here’s the thing, my hate-filled rants are much more enjoyable for you to read.  Trust me, posts about how awesome my life is are not funny.  I’ve tried.  How do you make that funny?  It’s nearly impossible.  So, just go with it, don’t take it too seriously and laugh along with me.  Because I’m funny.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor, Mondoo?

Trick question.  I love all flavors of ice cream, but some of my favorites are butter pecan, black raspberry, chocolate marshmallow, Chocolate Better Batter, rocky road, and seasonally, Valley Dairy’s Pumpkin.

Mondoo, you seem to hate a lot of things, mainly celebrities.  Which celebrity do you hate the most?

Good question.  Tough question actually.  I think that I’d have to say that this week, it’s a tie between Spencer Pratt and Carrie Prejean.  Spencer Pratt is famous for nothing except being a horrible real-life villain.  What kind of a man picks a fight with Al Roker via his Twitter account?  A pansy loser who has no real talents except to run his mouth and ride out his 15 minutes much longer than anyone wants, that’s who.  Speaking of people riding out their 15 minutes, Carrie Prejean is using her last minute to make the rounds on talk shows and be unnecessarily defensive.  Honey, you need to chill out and get off your high horse.  Someone needs to teach you how to discuss your opinions in a calm and rational manner.  Carrie, you’re inappropriate.

Mondoo, you really seem to hate a lot of things except for ice cream.  Are there any ice cream flavors that you hate?

Banana.  I don’t understand how ice cream makers can make some ice cream flavors so spot on (like oatmeal cookie and red velvet cake for instance) and then be so off when it comes to simple flavors like banana.  Same thing with banana popsicles.  They don’t taste like banana.  They taste like those little banana-shaped Runt candies.  If pressed, I do hate some other ice cream flavors, mainly any flavor that tastes like candy—Red Hot, cotton candy, bubblegum.  Candy is candy and ice cream is ice cream, no need to mix flavors.

Stay tuned for next week’s edition of Mondoo’s Mailbag where I hope to answer some real questions!  *Note:  all inquiries do not have to revolve around my hate.*

Mountain Momma

My sisters and I used to tease and make fun of each other mercilessly as children, but the second someone else made a crack about one of them, I was the first to spring to their defense and vice versa.  You know why?  Because you can make fun of your family all you want, but in the very instant that someone else does it becomes totally unacceptable.  Downright hateful.  You don’t mess with someone’s family. Guess what else you don’t mess with?  Someone’s home.  Well, unless you live in a big state like Pennsylvania where the east and west are drastically different. The east does have Philadelphia after all and we all know what kinds of people live in Philly.

I’ll be honest, I’ve only lived in West Virginia for six months now and I’m already tired of hearing the West Virginia jokes.  No, I haven’t met anyone married to his or her cousin. In fact, in a quick (and I’m sure, statistically correct) Google search, it seems that Alaska and Alabama are fighting it out to be the leading state with the most incest, so there.

Perhaps the biggest offenders of these snide comments about West Virginia come from members of my own family.  I hate to break it to you but where I live now is no different from where I grew up and where you currently live, family.  Case in point:  this guy.

And to the rest of you, friends and those I’m moderately acquainted with on Facebook, I urge you to visit these two remarkable sites:  http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ and http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/.  I know it’s hard to believe but weird and trashy people live all over the country and these two websites prove it.  They aren’t all uncomfortably condensed in West Virginia.

Ok, ok, so there are some oddball things that I have discovered about West Virginia and if you make fun of the following, I’ll have to agree with you, but that’s where it ends, ok?

The accent: I lived in Virginia for three years prior to moving to West Virginia, I’m familiar with a southern accent, but for those of you who live outside of the Mountain State, let me tell you, this accent is unlike any other that I’ve heard of in my life.  Imagine an interesting combination of a Pittsburghese accent, southern accent, and someone speaking with a huge amount of chaw in their mouth and this is the West Virginia accent.  To be honest, most people I know don’t have this accent but enough people around here do which makes some encounters especially straining to the ears.

Feral dogs: If you’re in the market for a mangy, emaciated dog, come to West Virginia because they are all over the place.  Along the highway?  Check!  Roaming the city streets?  Check!  Right here in my very own neighborhood preventing me from taking a safe walk in the morning?  Check!  West Virginia needs to hire those two fake dog catchers from Beethoven to help combat this problem.

Abandoned cars: If there’s one thing that rivals feral dogs along side of the highway, it’s abandoned cars.  I don’t know why so many cars break down along the highway in West Virginia but they do and they stay there for days on end.  I guess it’s better than putting it up on blocks in your front yard.

All kidding aside, living in West Virginia isn’t so bad.  We have arts and entertainment, fairs and festivals, fab local restaurants, reasonable temperatures, a kick-butt farmer’s market, and homemade ice cream.  I could go on and on about why this place isn’t so bad but apparently these people have already done it, so just check out their site.