Welcome to the very first Love/Hate post—periodic commentaries on things that I love and hate equally. These entries are filled with links leading to pictures or videos. Click on links, it will make it more entertaining. This week’s edition: Football.
1) Charlie Batch. Oh man, he’s so adorable in so many ways: 1) Look at that smile! 2) He’s the most reliable back-up in the league. 3) He’s so adorably nervous when he gets a chance to go in the game, just watch his face next time; he looks like he’s ready to puke. 4) He does so much for the City of Pittsburgh; he’s an example to so many. Take note, Big Ben, THIS is what you should be doing in your spare time, not ahem, ahem.
2) Football Food. Hot dogs, burgers, nachos, beer, kielbasa, wings, Primanti’s, chili, chips, dips, and more. We’re all lucky that football season ends in February—plenty of time to lose the football food lbs.
3) ESPN Hotties. Jesse Palmer, Kirk Herbstreit, Mark Schlereth, just take a look at their pics and I’m sure you’ll agree. Many have debated me on Mark Schlereth, but what can I say? I have a thing for big, hairy, handsome guys who used to be chubby. I’ll play detective with Roc Hoover any day.
4) Sexual-sounding football terms. “Deep penetration in the backfield,” “Tight end,” and, “Spread them wide and pound it up the middle.”How can you not love those?! Hilarious! All the 12-year-old boys and I think so.
5) Being a Steelers Fan. What’s not to love about being a Pittsburgh Steelers fan? We win Superbowls, bitches, it’s what we do. And we have Mike Tomlin. And he is so cool.
1) Haters. No, I’m not talking about the people who jovially tease you about your team’s allegiance. I’m talking about those people who give you unwarranted sass about your home team. Example:
Mondoo: Hey, how are you?
Little Man Hate: The Steelers are going to lose tonight!
Mondoo: Um, ok, how are you?
Little Man Hate: They f*@king suck!
What a hater. I’ve unfriended people on Facebook for being haters and I won’t hesitate to do it to you. You can cheer for your team and I can cheer for mine, ok?
2) Douchebag Quarterbacks. Matt Leinart, Philip Rivers, Brett Favre, and perhaps the biggest offender, Tom Brady. Between their modeling, leaving your baby momma mid-pregnancy, and Wrangler Jeans ads, I don’t know what to hate most about them. Oh wait, I do. Acting like you’re too good for interviews. Way to blow off Suzy Kolber on Monday night, Tom Brady. Did you not want to talk to her because she’s not young and blonde like all other female sports reporters that they actually let on TV? Shame on you, pig.
3) ESPN Shouters, I mean Anchors. Apparently when you’re reporting on sports, you need to shout, otherwise sports fans won’t be able to understand it. That’s what I gather from watching ESPN. I swear if Skip Bayless and Michael Wilbon don’t chill soon, they are headed straight for a heart attack or brain aneurysm. CALM DOWN, fellas.
4) NFL Cheerleaders. What purpose do you serve? Really. I can see arguing the merit of high school cheerleaders. They practice, perform stunts, compete in cheer competitions but what do you do exactly? I’ve seen bits of that Dallas Cowgirl TV show and pretty much the only requirement for their selection is whether or not they look good in their booty shorts. Get a real job.
5) Sucky Teams and their Clueless Fans. Yeah, Browns and Bengals, I’m talking about you. Your teams have sucked for years and guess what? This isn’t going to be the year that they are good. Sorry to break it to you. I totally understand where you’re coming from though. The Pittsburgh Pirates have sucked for YEARS. Pittsburghers would love for them to be good but here’s the difference between us and you, we have accepted that they are terrible and we keep our hopes and dreams for a good season to ourselves, otherwise, it just gets annoying (hint, hint, shut up). Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals? Everyone, except for the Browns.