Squirrels Squirrels Squirrels

4 Oct

There is a huge squirrel problem here in West Virginia.  Something that they eat didn’t grow this year so the squirrels had to take it to the streets to find food.  The newspaper’s blog called it a “Squirrel Holocaust,” on Rosh Hashana, no less, which I thought was rather tasteless.  I realize the word holocaust can refer to things other than The Holocaust, but still.  Squirrels? Anyway, every time I take my dog on a walk he darts after about 15 squirrels, leaving him gagging and strangled by his collar, and my neighborhood is carpeted with flat furry gray squirrel carcasses.  However, the Great Acorn Infestation seems to have subsided.  Silver linings aside, we need to solve this problem America-style and bring in something to prey upon the squirrels.  What is the squirrel’s common enemy (other than Nazis)?  Falcons, coyotes, foxes, zombies.  But do we want these things running around the neighborhood?  As much as I would love to be responsible for the Zombie Holocaust, we’ve got the children to think of.  I suggest importing koalas from Australia.  Australia’s been hoarding the good animals for far too long.  Granted, we don’t actually know whether koalas would prey upon squirrels, as they are natural herbivores, but there are still several advantages.  First, koalas are adorable.  That is undeniable.  They are cuddly and sleepy and just want to be held like babies.  Next, they live in trees, so much less likely to be killed on the streets.  Also, the shock value and novelty of seeing koalas outside would likely take peoples’ minds off the squirrel problem altogether.  Finally, trust me, I have a really good feeling about this koala thing.


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