Sometimes I eat things that I don’t particularly enjoy, but I eat them because practicality and convention make me in order to get to the things that I love to eat. For example, the outside of cinnamon rolls are a big waste of time. I love the middle, all warm and soft and gooey, but the outside is hard and offensive and not covered in sugary goodness. Similarly, the bottoms of muffins annoy me. They’re all crumbly and bitter like bread crust, while the tops are pleasantly shiny and slightly sticky with the perfect soft consistency. Moving on from pastries, spaghetti is another thing that I can dismiss. I eat a ton of spaghetti, but that’s because I love tomato sauce and parmesan cheese so much. Spaghetti itself is just a bland little sauce car that fills me up and keeps me from eating more sauce with cheese. Sometimes the insides of french-fries bug me because they take away from the crispy fried outside. This is harder to complain about because you can’t really fry the inside of the fry without ruining the outside, so I’ll let it go. But don’t try to give me any of those giant steak fries—the fried area to mushy potato ratio is way off! I also don’t like it when people dip fruit in chocolate and I have to bite off the chocolate and throw away the fruit.
That’s one thing that people think is kind of odd about me, I don’t really like fruit. There are some unoffending fruits like bananas foster, banana runts, strawberry-banana smoothies and pumpkin pancakes, oh! and custard apples—have you heard of those? They are fruit that taste like pudding. But most I could do without. Cobbler, pie, crisps and turnovers would be perfectly fine desserts if it weren’t for all the sour fruit gunking them up. This is an aggravation I’ve had since I was little. I used to hate it when I got fruit as a snack or dessert. What a rip off! The worst is when people say that fruit is “nature’s candy.” Chocolate is nature’s candy. Don’t pretend like some squishy bitter piece of healthy fruit is cooler candy than chocolate. Nature doesn’t need your lies.
While I’m on the subject, I’d like to point out that technically, fruits are anything with its seeds on the inside. The age-old query of whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable is no longer: it’s a fruit. And so are squash, eggplant, peas and cucumber. Did that blow your mind? When I talk about disliking fruit, I don’t mean all those that are “tasty in salads”—which is the culinary definition of a vegetable—I mean the fruits that are commonly found in what would be yummy dessert, if it weren’t for all the gross fruit.