So I got Columbus Day off yesterday and I’m torn because days off = awesome; but on the other hand Columbus = nefarious bringer of evil unto Native Americans. Instead of celebrating colonialism, I cleaned, made a dentist appointment and paid bills.
Why do people still get this day off? Are we that enamored with Christopher Columbus still or are we just used to getting a day off in October and no one wants to be “that guy” who protests a vacation day? Or maybe we’re celebrating Italians and their talent for discovering things, and at this point it’s not about Columbus at all. In that case, America, I have some suggestions. Let’s not get rid of this day off, let’s just modify it. I submit to you more fitting names for this holiday with more fitting Italians to honor.
Galileo Galilei Day: Honoring his discovery that science-based theories on the universe’s composition are not welcome in Catholicism.
Nicholas Cage Day: For discovering that changing your name when your dad is Francis Ford Coppola only makes you more annoying than if your success were solely based on nepotism.
John Travolta Day: Remembering the discovery of that dance in Saturday Night Fever where he shakes his hips and points his fingers often replicated by drunk frat guys around the country.
Marisa Tomei Day: Celebrating her triumphant smoking gun testimony as an expert witness that won the great trial of Billy Gambini and Stan Rothenstein in 1992.
Mario Bros. Day: Honoring the ordinary plumbers who risked their lives in the face of Bowser, fire snakes, koopas, goombas, Bob-omb, chain chomps and Hammer Brothers to rescue the princess.
Hulk Hogan Day: In honor of his discovery that even after such accomplishments as 30 years of wrestling, starring in Mr. Nanny, and a reality show showcasing all the crazy Hogans, people will not let go the fact that your son almost killed a guy in a car accident and your wife left you for a 17 year old.