Aliases: Cheap Candy, Gum
Characteristics: Hard as a rock pink gum that crumbles when chewed followed by a microsecond of chewable consistency, then returning to rock-like substance.
Charges: Managing to outnumber all other candy, losing flavor immediately after unwrapping, possessing zero potential for enjoyment.
Disposition: Guilty of wasting space and giving all candy a bad name. If you are giving out Superbubble as Halloween candy, why don’t you go ahead and turn off the porch light and head in, because clearly you hate Halloween and everything it stands for.
Aliases: Fruit, Anything Remotely Healthy, Anything with Raisins in it
Characteristics: Comes in boxes vaguely resembling boxes of nerds, chewy brown and disgusting
Charges: Attempting to make people forget the one day a year when the whole point of eating is to get cavities, acting all high and mighty with its all natural ingredients and no sugar or artificial coloring.
Disposition: Guilty of committing Halloween hate crime. If you are giving out any fruit this year, do yourself a favor and just dress up like a target and hand out eggs and toilet paper.
Unmarked Hard Candy
Aliases: Grandpa Candy, Cough Drops
Characteristics: Creepy and anonymous, faded colors wrapped in cellophane
Charges: Another Halloween crime, disappointing children and making parents uncomfortable
Disposition: Dear Strange Old Wiry Guy Across the Street Who Tries to Give Out Unmarked Hard Candy to Kids Every Day of the Year, Halloween is no holiday from probation, so keep that gross candy to yourself.
Aliases: Sugar Daddy, Unidentifiable chewy rectangle in paper wrapper that never fails to stick to candy
Characteristics: Starts out hard and then graduates into consistency of bubblegum laced with cement and superglue.
Charges: Ripping out children’s teeth, breaking jaws and orthodontia, tasting not nearly good enough to justify damage to mouth
Disposition: Guilty of associating pain and suffering with candy eating. If you are that worried about expenses this year, just buy what you can afford of the good stuff and borrow someone’s kid to go door to door and restock your supply.
Aliases: Good & Plenty, nasty Twizzlers
Characteristics: Chewy, tastes like poison
Charges: Being disgusting and universally unwanted, sticking to teeth
Disposition: Guilty of pretending that it’s the 1950s. Peoples’ taste for black licorice went the way of their taste for gelled ham: out.
If you are harboring any of the above fugitives, please turn yourself into the authorities immediately. If you are an unfortunate recipient of any of the stated offenders, try trading with some poor loser for any of the following acceptable candy:
Reeses, M&Ms, Snickers, Milky Way, Butterfinger, Payday, Candy Corn (That’s right, Mondoo, candy corn. It’s sweet and delicious and fun to bite off each layer.), Twix, KitKats, Mr. Goodbar, Anything with chocolate in it (as long as there are no raisins), Nerds, Tootsie pops, Sweet Tarts, Smarties, Whoppers, Junior Mints