A couple of times during my brief residence here in West Virginia, I’ve stopped by the local Foodland (read: small, inadequate, oftentimes dirty-ish grocery store) to pick up a few things later on a Friday night. (I realize how lame that makes me sound, grocery shopping late on a Friday night, but I swear it’s only to drop in to get milk or something and it’s after all of my cool kid festivities are over. I swear.) Each time I’ve visited the Foodland on Friday evening, I see him. A pirate. Shining the floors with an industrial-sized buffer. To be fair, I don’t know if he’s a real pirate but he was wearing an eye patch and seemed kinda dirty. Possibly smelly. So, based on all things stereotype, there is a pirate who cleans the floors at Foodland on Friday nights. He got me thinking though. I’m sure pirates have real jobs when they aren’t out sailing the high seas. What are some other jobs that pirates may have in the off-season? Certainly there’s no hope in major league baseball (Zing! I got you, Pittsburgh Pirates!). Here are some possibilities though:
Dating Service Spokesman: I mean, who better to help you find your matey than a pirate? Jack Sparrow, despite his various pirate diseases, always got the girl.
Spanish Tutor: I took Spanish for years and always had trouble rolling my Rs when I came across an “erre.” I could’ve used a pirate Spanish tutor. They have plenty of practice with RRRs and I’m sure pirates have picked up speaking skills in various foreign languages during their pillaging travels.
Bus Driver: It takes a skilled navigator to plot a course on the high seas, especially during a storm or while you’re fleeing your enemies. These skills are easily adaptable to a bus driver navigating the city streets. I bet if you’re quiet and toss him a few doubloons, he won’t make you walk the plank.
Mall Cop: Who better to patrol retail stores during the holiday shopping season than a pirate? He knows exactly what kind of swindling and swashbuckling to look out for. Get that pirate a Segway and it’ll make him feel like he’s surveying from the crow’s nest.
Bounty Hunter: It seems like a logical transition from a booty hunter to a bounty hunter. I like to think that a pirate would welcome the opportunity to hunt for criminals rather than be the hunted—or he could turn out to be both!
Pawn Shop Owner: Everyone knows that pirates have the ultimate skills in business and bartering, not to mention their eye for quality goods. I don’t know about you, but I’d visit Blackbeard’s Treasure Chest and Pawn Shop.
Arrrrt Teacher: To be honest, I don’t know what qualifies a pirate to be an art teacher. Arrgh and Arrrt was just an easy comparison.
In other pirate news, have you ever wondered what your pirate name may be? Thanks to my sister-in-law and her knowledge of all things pirate, here is a quiz to help you out with that one: http://www.piratequiz.com/. For the record, my pirate name is Dirty Anne Bonney.