Ok ok, in my first official blog entry, one of the phrases that I proclaimed should never be uttered to an unemployed woman with a graduate degree was: “You should have a baby.” Even though I still truly believe that is an inappropriate suggestion for a young woman in my circumstance, I am pregnant with my first child. One thing is for certain, I did the world a huge service when I posted that initial entry. People say all sorts of stupid and inappropriate things to other people. Throughout the past few months, I have found that people’s stupidity isn’t completely relegated to unemployed, educated females; there are many inappropriate phrases unleashed upon pregnant woman as well. When it comes to pregnant women, I feel that I’m pretty reasonable. Sure, I have my days where commercials make me cry and when I wake up in a bad mood for no reason, but more often than not, I’m not overcome by hormones to the point that it makes me irrational. (Except for maybe that one day where my husband and Vitamin G played tennis and went out for pancakes without me. Tennis is stupid and I’m glad that pregnant women aren’t allowed to play because that gives me the perfect excuse to not play tennis with my husband. He’s your problem now, Vitamin G. But everyone knows that pregnant women love pancakes and yet no one invited me!!! Pancakes and pregnant women go together like Tiger Woods and skanks. A perfect match. No matter what a pregnant woman is craving, it can be included in a pancake: fruit, bacon, cheese… I love pancakes! And Baby wants a piece.). Regardless, the following phrases aren’t upsetting to pregnant women because of the hormones surging through our body. They are upsetting because they are inapprop.
“Looks like someone is getting a belly.” Oh no, you didn’t! You DID NOT just point out any sort of weight gain to a pregnant woman. Are you high?! What is wrong with you?! Planned or unplanned, from the moment a woman discovers that she’s pregnant, she immediately wonders how her body is going to change. Her immediate next thought is whether or not she will ever look the same. With each pound and pronouncement of the belly, she is equal parts ecstatic and terrified. That’s a dangerous combination and you just reminded her of it by uttering that phrase. Careful, buddy.
“Aw, you don’t want to find out the sex of the baby, just be surprised.” Oh yeah, I mean, why would I want to be prepared with gender appropriate clothes or decorate the baby’s room in something other than the color yellow? Do you open your Christmas presents in May just so that you can sit in anticipation for six more months to increase the surprise factor? No. Because guess what? It’s a surprise no matter when you find out. You can either find out now or six months from now. Why would I wait? While we’re on the subject, are you carrying this baby? Did you have morning sickness for weeks? Do you have to run to the bathroom every five minutes? What? No? Then don’t tell me what to do.
“Don’t you just love being pregnant?” Alright, honesty hour here. In a word? No. Am I super thankful and excited to be pregnant? ABSOLUTELY. Do I LOVE being pregnant? Um, no, I’d much rather have the baby here now than wait six more months. Not to mention that I spent the good part of my first trimester so ill that I couldn’t move and now that I’m in my second trimester, my body changes so rapidly day by day that it’s frightening. And from what I hear, the third trimester is pretty uncomfortable. So, let’s see, have the baby or be pregnant? I’ll take the kid as soon as it’s ready, please.
“Parenting is a lot of work.” No! You don’t say! Here I thought that I would have this baby in May and then for the next 18 years at least, life would be simple and wonderful. C’mon now, I know how hard parenting must be because during the past five years, I had to work with college students. And a large percentage of those college students were just awful human beings. This made me realize how hard parenting must be because the majority of you parents with college-aged children really did a terrible job. But your poorly behaved children did give me some guidance on how not to parent and for that, I thank you.
“Maternity clothes are ugly.” Um, thanks. I have to wear those for the next six months and you just told me how ugly they are. Unless I want to wear sweatpants and my husband’s t-shirts out of the house, I really have no choice. Why don’t you call me fat while you’re at it? Or eat pancakes without me? Ouch.
“I don’t want to ruin my body.” Oh man, I’m ruining my body by being pregnant? I had no idea! Get this thing out of me! Seriously folks, I know that I already mentioned this but pregnant woman have no idea how these pregnancies are going to affect their bodies. Even if you don’t have the perfect pre-baby body, for nine months you are left wondering what it’s going to look like after that kid pops out. Please don’t remind pregnant women about this, it’s something that we already think about. Your negativity is just going to drive me into a gallon of ice cream and then what will my body look like in six more months?
In closing, many pregnant women are fond of these kitschy words but I’m not. So, do yourself a favor and refrain from using the following words when referring to my pregnancy: preggo, preggers, and baby bump. Acceptable substitutes are pregnant, with child, expecting, and baby belly.