I both love and hate a lot of things and this December, Christmas isn’t safe. In the Fridays leading up to Christmas, I will recount all things that I both love and hate about Christmas. This week’s installment: Christmas Carols.
1) Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie.
This song is so beautiful, how could you not love it? The act of these two gentlemen singing a Christmas carol together has been described as “surreal” given the polar opposite nature of their musical styles. I imagine a similar comparison today would be Lady Gaga and Barbara Streisand. Although a lot of performers have tried their best to screw this song up (yeah, I’m talking to you Simpson sisters), this particular performance ranks up there as one of my holiday faves. I, however, prefer to listen to this song rather than watch the video because I’m frightened by David Bowie and his teeth. I am ok with Bing Crosby though, he just looks like he’s ply you with Werther’s Originals.
2) Dominick the Donkey by Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Lou Monte.
The Hat I Got for Christmas is Too Big by Mel Blanc.
I paired these two Christmas carols together because they are both equal parts amusing and ridiculous. A perfect combination for the holidays. I honestly had never heard of these two carols until I started dating my husband. When he first started singing them, I was convinced that he made them up (he makes up songs all the time so this idea wasn’t so farfetched). Surprisingly enough, they are real and here for your holiday enjoyment.
3) Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley.
Santa Bring my Baby Back (to Me) by Elvis Presley.
I LOVE Elvis Presley’s Christmas Album so it was really hard for me to choose just one to share so I chose two. They are very similar though, you know, upbeat yet bluesy songs about being alone on Christmas. Normally this sentiment would depress me (see Hate #2) but I can’t help but love Elvis, it’s in the veins. You see, my mother is a rabid Elvis Presley fan. We used to listen to the Christmas album as we baked and decorated Christmas cookies. She is a crazy Elvis fan though. No kidding, we had an Elvis cardboard cutout in our house for the good part of my adolescence. My mother wouldn’t get rid of Elvis’ presence in the living room until my father agreed to banish his mounted deer head from the dining room. They both relented sometime during my college career and neither are displayed anymore. Elvis does make an appearance from time to time though when the family dog acts up. Snickers the Dog is terrified of cardboard Elvis. As she should be.
4) Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney .
I don’t really even like this song but there is one thing that I love about it. This song turns my husband into grinning, dancing fool and nothing amuses me more. I’m not really into Paul McCartney or synthesizers but when I see that tall, hairy guy dancing around like a kid, I’m truly having a wonderful Christmas time.
5) War on Christmas by Toby Keith.
(I couldn’t embed this one so you’ll just have to click here, wah wah)
I have no words for this one. You just have to watch it and then you’ll understand why I love it. Ok, that’s not my style. I will say one thing. Toby Keith is clever. If you believe his ignorant, hick persona, I think he’s got you fooled.
1) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Elmo and Patsy Shropshire.
My grandma hates this song and with good reason. They depict Grandma as a drunk and then she dies. On Christmas. At the hands (hoofs?) of a reindeer. And what’s more, no one seems to care, especially grandpa. What. A. Jerk.
2) Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg.
This song is so bizarre and un-Christmasy that it had to make the hate list. Not familiar? Let me explain: This guy runs into his ex at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, it’s super awkward yet they want to get some drinks, the bars are closed so they grab a six pack at the liquor store and drink it in her car. With me so far? It gets better. They toast to their youth and talk about how she doesn’t love her husband, she kisses him on the cheek and leaves. The end. Don’t you feel all warm and Christmasy now? I only know one person who loves this Christmas carol and she’s almost 50 and divorced. I guess that makes sense.
3) I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevy.
Nothing is more obnoxious than young children singing like they are 30 years old. This is also why I’m glad that Star Search isn’t on the air anymore. Who asks for a hippo anyway? Why in the world would you want a hippo? Where would you keep it? What do you even feed a hippo? Maybe these are all things you should’ve thought about before wasting your Santa Christmas wish on a hippo, little girl.
4) Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano.
The longest repetitive song ever. I can’t even imagine how much money Jose Feliciano makes every Christmas from this annoying song and all he did was string two phrases together and repeat them for three minutes. I don’t know who is dumber; Jose for writing it or for the general public for listening to and encouraging it.
5) The Christmas Shoes by NewSong.
The most awful Christmas carol EVER. How depressing is this song? Not only is this little boy poor and dirty but his mom is dying at Christmas. And all the kid wants for Christmas is a new pair of shoes for his mom to wear when she sees Jesus in heaven. Christmas buzzkill! I don’t know, maybe he should be at home with his dying mom rather than waiting in line for a new pair of shoes. Just sayin’.