Just call me, “Coach Mondoo”

8 Dec

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=football+coach&iid=5275232″ src=”e/a/e/b/Football_coach_standing_d4f3.jpg?adImageId=8126687&imageId=5275232″ width=”380″ height=”286″ /]

As many of you know, since I’ve moved to West Virginia, I have been searching for and have unsuccessfully procured a job within higher education.  Well folks, my ship may have finally come in; in scouring the human resource pages, I have finally found the position that is perfect for me.  With the following cover letter and resume (and any feedback you’d be willing to provide), I am positive that I can land this one.

Job Description:

Position Title: Head Football Coach, Marshall University.
Position Type: Full-time position. Salary: Commensurate with qualifications and experience.
Qualifications: Bachelor’s degree required, advanced degree preferred. Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) experience desired or considerable FBS assistant coaching experience or Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) head coaching experience; demonstrated ability to recruit FBS student-athletes and demonstrated commitment to their satisfactory academic progress and experience in managing an athletics budget, or equivalent.
Duties: Coach and administer a highly competitive football program that competes in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision and Conference USA.
Application Procedure: Send letter of application and resume to Head Football Coach Search Committee
Application Deadline: Position is open until filled.
Background Check Required: YES

Cover Letter:

Dear Head Football Coach Search Committee:

Please accept this cover letter and resume as my complete application for the position of Head Football Coach at Marshall University.  My Master of Education in Higher Education Administration and Student Personnel, years of work experience with college students, and my countless hours watching football and ESPN with my husband make me the ideal person for this position.

As a young child growing up in southwestern Pennsylvania, I have always been taught that football is a way of life.  Southwestern Pennsylvanians watch high school football on Friday, Penn State or Pitt football on Saturday, and then the Steelers on Sunday.  As an adolescent, I religiously attended every high school football game.  I like to think that even though I attended these games to socialize with my friends and stare at cute boys, I also picked up some necessary football knowledge through osmosis.  Furthermore, I always sat in the living room while my family watched Steelers’ games as well.  I could always tell when a game was going well (everyone cheered) or not going so well (my mother threw her slippers at the TV).  I must admit that I didn’t pay much attention to college football when I was younger, I had more important things to attend to at the local roller rink.

I can assure you that I will not only be committed to my players’ performance on the field but in the classroom as well.  In working with college students for the past five years, I’ve truly come to understand that the athletes of the institution require extra attention when it comes to their hygiene and discipline academics and I will do whatever I can (give them answers to the tests if I have to) to ensure their academic achievements.

I have also provided a resume that highlights my further qualifications and special skills that make me especially qualified for this position.  Should you have additional questions regarding my candidacy, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Mondoo

Resume:

Mondoo

West Virginia

(304) 367-4473 (FOR-HIRE)

Qualifications:

  • Meet your preferred education requirement with my advanced degree, a Master of Education in Higher Education Administration and Student Personnel
  • Five years of experience working with college students (Yes, three of those years were spent at a college whose football equivalent was lacrosse.  Despite the inaccurate assertions of such, I fully recognize that lacrosse is not a suitable replacement for football.  Everyone knows that lacrosse is just a douchey, rich kid sport for males who are afraid that playing a real sport like football might injure them or lower their class status).
  • Moderately interested in college football for the past four seasons in order to spend time with my husband on the weekends
  • Watched the 2006 film We Are Marshall even though it was the most depressing movie ever (Seriously, if you haven’t seen this already, don’t waste your time.  Spoiler alert:  the entire football team dies in a plane crash and then they bring a new team in the following season and they lose most of their games.  Buzzkill.  If you’re looking for an uplifting football movie, check out Remember the Titans.  They overcome prejudice and there’s a happy ending.)

Special Skills:

  • Especially scrappy for a short, blonde lady.  I may be sweet as pie (yum, pie) in most instances but anger me and no burly football player stands a chance.
  • Successfully renamed most of the football positions to make them more accurate and understandable to the general football fan.  Examples follow:
    • Quarterback= Ball Thrower
    • Receiver= Ball Catcher
    • Offensive Line= Protectors of Ball Thrower
    • Defensive Line=  Tacklers
    • Safety=All-Purpose Catcher of Offenders
    • Long Snapper=Ball Snapper
    • Kicker=Kicker
    • Punter=Punter
    • Kick Returner=Punt Catcher/Runner OR Player who usually just runs right into defenders after running a few yards; in some cases, this player can also run back for a touchdown, especially against the Pittsburgh Steelers special teams

References

  • Mr. Mondoo, Relation to Applicant:  Husband who has witnessed hours of football watching and coaching from the couch
  • Lou Holtz, Relation to Applicant:  The perfect on-air combination of my Puppup and my husband’s Pappap and my favorite football commentator
  • Charlie Batch, Relation to Applicant:  Witnessed the applicant’s commitment level and sense of encouragement and support as she held a sign for a back-up quarterback during one very hot August day at Pittsburgh Steelers Training Camp

I don’t know about you all, but I have a good feeling about this one.

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5 Responses to “Just call me, “Coach Mondoo””

  1. mrs zack morris December 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

    HaHa Mondoo, I actually laughed out loud!

    Ever seen Little Giants? Spoiler alert: it’s also about a girl overcoming obstacles in a male dominated football world. You should add this to your knowledge/experience….

  2. devon December 8, 2009 at 6:28 pm #

    Your renaming of positions made me laugh out loud.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] I am (Oh you think I’m kidding?  Did you forget the following posts:  Love/Hate: Football, Just call me, Coach Mondoo, Creeptastic, and Coach Mondoo’s Bowl Preview), I thought that I would provide my expert […]

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