Mondoo here. Normally, I don’t post on the weekends but upon glancing at this morning’s headlines in the local newspaper, I was shocked at the absence of a tale of heroism that I witnessed firsthand on Friday evening. Quite surprising, I know, given Vitamin G’s review of our local newspaper and its stories. Well, you know how the saying goes, “if you want something done right … have Mondoo do it.”
BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE
CHARLESTON, W. Va. (AP) — Around 5pm on Friday, December 11, smoke began to rise from the hillside brush next to a duplex on the outskirts of our fair city. Mondoo, an adorable little pregnant housewife, sat waiting for her husband to arrive home from work. She was all dressed up and ready to go as he had promised her an exciting night on the town. Unbeknownst to her, trouble was burning outside. One might shudder to think what would have happened had not her gallant husband decided to leave work early because work is boring.
“He [Mr. Mondoo] ran into the house, tore off his coat and gloves and threw them down on the foyer floor,” recounted Mondoo, breathlessly. “Initially, I was upset. That’s not where our coats go. And then he said ‘I’m pretty sure the side of the hill is on fire.'”
Mr. Mondoo then proceeded to enter the couple’s garage and began to fill a large bucket with water. Armed with a hose too short to reach the blazing inferno, Mr. Mondoo relied on a wife too short to do much besides call 911.
“I was nervous to call 911 because I had never done it before,” Mondoo recounted. “Plus, Mr. Mondoo always plays mean tricks on me, and this seemed like another one of his lame-o stories. But by the time I ran over to look at the hillside, the brush had morphed from a smoldering pile of leaves into a terrifying inferno.”
Mondoo had always wondered what happens when someone calls 911 from a cell phone. But she quickly found out the technology behind its ability to contact the local 911 dispatcher.
“Magic,” Mondoo revealed.
Fearing that the blaze would reach their modest three-bedroom, two full bath domicile, Mr. and Mrs. Mondoo sprung into action to save their cherished plush-firm king mattress. Mondoo stretched the cheap hose Mr. Mondoo insisted on buying for five dollars at Wal-Mart as far as it would go and procured another bucket from the garage.
“She was right about that hose,” acknowledged Mr. Mondoo. “It’s just one big kink. What a piece of s—.”
Working as a team in the frigid temperatures, Mondoo used the hose to fill the buckets as Mr. Mondoo carried them to the hillside and bravely threw them on the firestorm. One by one, this brave couple performed their very own bucket brigade until the local volunteer fire department arrived, nearly 20 minutes later. By this time, Mr. Mondoo had practically extinguished the blaze and ruined his brown dress shoes.
“Nothing a good polishin’ won’t fix,” insisted Mr. Mondoo.
The couple was thankful to see the three (only three?) firefighters arrive, although both were disappointed that although their emergency warranted lights, it apparently did not warrant sirens.
The firefighters took over and raked the smoldering brush on the hillside. At Mr. Mondoo’s urging, they also sprayed the hillside with their giant fire truck hose (technical term). The firefighters then departed, advising the Mondoos to “Just keep an eye on it.”
Thankfully, disaster was averted and the only damage Mondoo noted was to her dress shoes.
“Nothing a good polishin’ wont’ fix,” insisted Mondoo.
The exact cause of the fire is unknown but the couple suspects that it had something to do with a cigarette or the mischievous feral dogs that roam the neighborhood.
DID ZERO TWIDDLE WHILE HOME BURNS?
Mondoos Claim that Local VFD Hit the Snooze on Fire Alarm
CHARLESTON, W. Va. (AP) — A local couple is moderately upset at the speed—or lack thereof— with which the local volunteer fire department responded to their 911 call. The Mondoos were left to battle a blazing brush fire on their own last Friday evening.
“Although I have volunteer firefighting in my blood,” stated Mrs. Mondoo, whose father has been a volunteer firefighter in her hometown community since his teenage years, “I felt somewhat ill-equipped to battle this inferno on my own. That’s why I called 911.”
“Meh, I had it under control,” Mr. Mondoo contended, “but it would have been nice to have some amateur back-up.”
Mrs. Mondoo placed the 911 call at 5:10pm and nearly 20 minutes elapsed before the three firefighters and their siren-less truck appeared on the scene. The couple had the fire nearly extinguished by then.
“After the firefighters left, I immediately called my dad to complain about their inability to respond in a timely fashion,” Mrs. Mondoo explained. “He acknowledged that it would’ve been nice to have them arrive sooner but also kindly reminded me that many volunteer firefighters work during the day and have to come straight from their jobs.
“I guess he’s right,” said the unemployed housewife, “but I need to find out where those guys work so I can get paid to stand around and pick my butt all day, too.”
Additional reporting for the above articles was completed by Mr. Mondoo.