Mr. Mondoo and I don’t do a lot of movies. Mainly because he is a buzz kill who self-proclaims that he doesn’t have an attention span for an entire movie. I, on the other hand, love movies. I love both watching movies at home and actually going to the movie theater. Actually visiting the movie theater is far superior to watching movies at home though if only because of the movie popcorn. The best is when theaters have “serve your own butter.” I ALWAYS have the concession stand employees fill the bag up half way, slather the popcorn in butter at the personal buttering station, then have them fill the bag up the rest of the way, and then cover it in butter again. BAM! Half-way through my popcorn, a buttery surprise. But I digress. I didn’t intend to write this entry solely about movie popcorn. I’ll save that for another day.
In an attempt to save $4 and leave enough time for grocery shopping after our dinner date, Mr. Mondoo and I went to a matinee (he sure knows how to woo a lady). Matinees are pretty neat, not only because of the money saving but because the theaters are usually pretty empty. Well not this time. We should’ve realized that a movie starring George Clooney would attract all sorts of female senior citizens to the Saturday matinee. We quickly realized that there is nothing worse than old people and here’s why:
Old people can’t work their cell phones. Granted, old people are completely oblivious when it comes to all sorts of technology but a cell phone really should be the most familiar to them. After all, it’s just a cordless phone. At the very least, old people should know how to turn them off, you know, like when you’re in the movie theater! The cell phone of an older gentleman in the theater rang not once, but TWICE during the movie. To make matters worse, he actually answered it both times: “Yeah, I gotta call you back.” At that point folks, it’s not a matter of how to work your cell phone; it’s just a matter of being rude.
Old people feel like they have license to do whatever they want. Because they are old, dammit! This includes talking throughout the entire movie: a change in the scene=chatter, a lull between the conversing characters=chatter, a sex scene=chatter, when the plot isn’t to their liking=chatter. Once again, old people are so rude and they DO NOT care. This type of behavior isn’t restricted to the movie theater though. No, not at all. Waiting in line at the pharmacy? My grandma doesn’t care, she’ll cut right in front of you to get her pills and make no apologies for it. Just ask my sister, it was a mortifying “take Grandma to Giant Eagle” experience for her.
Old people don’t know what words are inappropriate. Just ask Harry Reid.
Old people think that everything was better back in the day. My family and I were having lunch with our grandparents one Sunday and my grandma had her plastic rain hat all in a twist because “kids don’t dress up for church anymore.” She insisted that “everything was better back in the day” and then followed that assertion with a story about how my uncle’s friend once hanged a cat from a bridge when they were in grade school. Oh yes, harmless fun. Things were so much better back in the day.
Old people love buffets. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with a buffet, unless your grandfather threatens you with a 3pm dinner at the Old Country Buffet (or Old Country Barf-et as I like to call it. I know, I’m hilarious) like our Pappap frequently does. What is it with old people and buffets? Does it have something to do with The Depression and the “all you can eat” concept? Do old people like it because when you’re old you really only eat one big meal a day? Whatever the reason, they sure do love them some buffets. Take my grandparents for instance, they are in their late 80s and rarely drive even to the grocery store but once a month will drive over 30 miles to get to this buffet that serves steak on Sundays. (I’d also like to point out that if you visit the websites of these two buffets, you’ll find that the websites are EXACTLY the same. No kidding).
Old people only like happy endings. I learned this from our recent matinee trip to the theater where gaggles of old women continually exclaimed variations of the following throughout the ending of the movie: “This better end happy or I won’t be happy!” “This movie is terrible!” “Well that’s just awful!” I don’t want to spoiler alert the ending of the movie for you so I’ll just say, if you are at all familiar with the work of Jason Reitman, you shouldn’t expect a clear cut ending. But honestly, there should be a disclaimer on all previews of movies with ambiguous or unhappy endings that say: “Caution Old People: The ending of this movie isn’t wrapped up all pretty with a little bow, so don’t bother buying your senior citizen ticket and talking through a whole movie on Saturday afternoon.”
Now now, old people aren’t bad ALL the time. I love my grandparents—their crazy stories, their hugs, how they always hurry me off the phone when I call because they “don’t want to run up my bill,” and how they still give me money on my birthday—and other old people I’ve come across aren’t so bad—they fought in major wars for us and most of them smile at me in the grocery store. But old people can be annoying so if you want to avoid their idiosyncrasies, do yourself a favor and avoid grocery stores in the morning, the pharmacy line always, early bird restaurant specials, buffets, and, for heaven’s sakes, matinee movies.