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The NFL Playoffs ended yesterday and being the avid football fan that I am (Oh you think I’m kidding? Did you forget the following posts: Love/Hate: Football, Just call me, Coach Mondoo, Creeptastic, and Coach Mondoo’s Bowl Preview), I thought that I would provide my expert analysis of the 2009 NFL Playoffs and the upcoming Super Bowl.
– The Saints are in the Super Bowl. And thank goodness because I don’t think that I could take two weeks of sportscasters ranting about how awesome Brett Favre is and how he’s so old and wow, isn’t he amazing, he made it to the Super Bowl! FALSE! He screwed the Packers (and fans), the Jets (and fans), and now has screwed the Vikings (and fans) out of a Super Bowl. And how much do you wanna bet that this douchebag retires AGAIN only to sign with ANOTHER team conveniently AFTER training camp ends. I’m sick of his poor imitations of General Larry Platt and a competent quarterback. I’m also sick of his low blows to Packers’ fans. You’re a meanie, Brett Favre. Oh right, the Saints. It’s really nice for the Saints to make it to the Super Bowl. The City of New Orleans has certainly had its fair share of obstacles this past decade. And I don’t hate it like Angelina Jolie does.
– The Colts are in the Super Bowl. If my team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, couldn’t make it to the Super Bowl (again), then I’m glad the AFC representative is the Indianapolis Colts. I like Peyton Manning and his silly commercials. I also like that the Colts franchise replaced a retired Tony Dungy with his avatar Jim Caldwell (I stole that joke from Mr. Mondoo, but guess what? He doesn’t write a blog so I don’t feel bad about stealing his material). And the Colts have also overcome many obstacles themselves, like being in Indiana.
– All the teams that I hate didn’t make the Super Bowl either. It’s kinda depressing when your team, who just won the Super Bowl last year, doesn’t even make the playoffs the following year. But oh well, it’s happened before and then we came back and won the Super Bowl, again. Because the Steelers are awesome like that. (They’ll just need to get their special teams and defense in order during the off-season). But guess what? The Patriots, Bengals, Ravens, and Browns (of course) didn’t make it to the Super Bowl either so win win!
– The Who? Who cares?! Honestly, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake should really be punished for banishing all of us to a lifetime of the lamest half-time shows ever. Take a look at this list. If you notice, ever since that ill-fated wardrobe malfunction of 2004, we’ve been subjected to half-time shows of dinosaur rock stars who probably don’t even know where they are or what they are performing. Some may argue that Prince is not a dinosaur rock ‘n’ roller. I beg to differ. I’ve never been a Prince fan really. I don’t care about Purple Rain, Little Red Corvettes, or Raspberry Berets and Doves aren’t the only things that cry when Prince comes on the radio. Plus, he’s 51. I’m sure when I’m 51, I’ll argue that it isn’t old but for now, I contend that it’s old and he fits right in with the dinosaurs. Plus, did you hear the song he wrote for the Vikings? LAME-O!
While my expertise is usually relegated to football, I will provide the producers of the Super Bowl Half-Time Show with some guidance on selecting a future half-time show line-up. Let’s start with Beyonce. How can you go wrong with Beyonce? She’s a great role model and a terrific singer. I hear that she puts on a really great show, too. Plus, she’s married to Jay Z so we could probably throw him in the mix for a minimal extra charge. And everyone knows, where Jay Z goes, Rihanna goes, so there’s your halftime show right there.
And here’s some additional advice that I won’t even charge you for. I completely agree that the following are artists who you should rightly stay away from:
– Lady Gaga: Wow, she is weird. She even frightens me and I’m pretty liberal and cool. She’s certainly not suitable for all ages, although she would most certainly leave your audience talking about the show for a while.
– Adam Lambert: Hey CBS, take a lesson from ABC, stay away from Adam Lambert. I wasn’t bothered by this American Idol rejects’ choreography, but I was bothered by his tone deaf singing. Gah, he was terrible. CBS, unless you want a repeat performance of Ashlee Simpson and her 2005 Orange Bowl performance, stay away from studio-manufactured artists.
– Snoop Dogg: Purely for the fact that he is a fickle Steelers fan. Yeah, yeah, you see him all the time wearing Steelers garb but where did he end up this past summer, Ravens Training Camp. SHAME, Snoop Dog, SHAME!
Oh I’m not finished talking about the Super Bowl but I’m not going to waste all of my material in one post. I am carrying 141characters all by my lonesome now, gotta save something for another day! Stay tuned!