I know what you’re thinking: “You don’t want to grow up? Mondoo, you’ve been married for almost four years and you have a baby on the way, you ARE grown up!” But still. Most times, I don’t feel like a grown up at all. I feel like a kid who is pretending to live an adult life, like Tom Hanks in Big or Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 (which, although a blatant rip-off of Big, is quite adorable and stars West Virginia’s own Jennifer Garner).
These two movies are a lot alike in that these two young characters are catapulted into adulthood and use their new-found freedom to do all the things children think that adults do like jump on trampolines, drink pina coladas, and dance with their friends to “Thriller” (Shenanigans! Time Out: No one but those Filipino prisoners really knows the “Thriller” dance. Everyone thinks that they know how to Thriller dance though and then the song comes on at a party or in a club and no one can successfully do it. If you can, you have too much time on your hands and need to get out). They soon realize that adulthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and they want to go home.
Similarly, I have recently discovered that there are certain adulty things that I couldn’t wait to do as a child but now these things are just meh and leave me wishing that I could find me a Zoltar. If I encountered a Zoltar, I would transport back into a time and at the very least, tell my younger self: “Self, don’t get too excited about these things (see below), they quickly lose their appeal. Oh and eat all the junk food while you can, once you hit grad school, your metabolism is going to slow considerably and you’ll have to start working out to just remotely maintain your weight. Oh and starting to date that Mr. Mondoo in high school? Good decision, go with that.”
– Wearing pantyhose. Oh how I couldn’t wait to be a big girl and wear pantyhose! Probably because they would conceal my hairy legs that my mother wouldn’t let me shave until late in middle school (more on that later). But now, pregnant or not, I struggle each and every time I have to wear pantyhose. Why do they make pantyhose so hard to get into? It’s damn near impossible to get them on without snagging them or poking a fingernail right through the suckers. I usually do my best to get away with bare legs unless it’s the winter or a job interview. And we all know I haven’t had one of those in awhile!
– High-heeled shoes. Everyone but Katie Holmes knows that little kids shouldn’t wear high-heels, so I knew as soon as I got my first pair of high-heeled shoes, I was young lady. I wore them to church, school, around the house; I was big stuff. But now, once again, pregnant or not, I dread wearing high-heeled shoes. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing that makes me feel sexier than a hot high-heeled shoe but I can honestly only wear them from the house to the car before they start to hurt my feet. Give me a pair of flats any day! Keep your Crocs though.
– Staying up late. Little kids ALWAYS want to stay up late. It’s like they think that everything fun and magical happens after they go to bed and they are totally going to miss out on something. Well guess what Little Mondoo, I’m here to tell you that the only thing adults do past 10pm is fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Or at least that’s what I do now that I’m an adult. When you’re an adult, staying up late means that you’re missing out on sleep, which as you get older, is few and far between.
– Shaving. This one, I’ve found, is universal to both the male and female population. Shaving is an honest-to-God rite of passage for all little girls and boys. Suddenly, you start growing hair where there wasn’t hair before and in most cases, now you get to start removing it multiple times a week with a sharp object. I mean, that doesn’t sound like something little kids should do anyways. Oh but they do. How many of you out there used to steal your parents’ razors and secretly shave when you weren’t supposed to? I know that I did until one day, I cut my leg so badly that I was forced to reveal to my mother that I tried to shave my legs. She took the razor, I was grounded, AND my leg hurt like a beotch. Now, as an adult, I have the opportunity and skills to safely shave whenever I want and I seldom ever want to.
– Having a boss and working in an office. Even though I’m still currently unemployed (in case you were wondering), I still remember what it’s like to work in an office and have a boss and that shiz is for the birds. When I was little, I used to play office, I even had a stapler on my desk (until one day, I stapled my finger and my mom promptly took it away from me). I always pretended that I had a boss and he would give me things to do. Stapler hazards aside, working in an office isn’t so bad depending on the job but the having a boss part, BOO. So, now I’m unemployed and I’m my own boss. “Mondoo, stop writing this post, grab a snack and watch some TV!” Ok, Boss!