Children are both adorable and entertaining. This is part of the reason that I’m having one this spring. That and I’m still unemployed so might as well, right? But the truth of the matter is that kids are so dumb sometimes. (Unless you are one and then you think that you know everything. Like how being a grown-up is so cool because you can stay up late, wear high-heels, and shave). Little kids also pitch hissy-fits over just about anything. I know this because I sometimes venture out of the comfort of my home and into a mall or restaurant and witness a tantrum-infected child and his or her exasperated and embarrassed (sometimes oblivious but usually the former) parents. I can only imagine that one of these hysterical outbreaks is about one of the following topics that little kids are just SO wrong about. As soon as they reach adulthood, they’ll understand…
– “But I don’t wanna dress up!” Kids have got this one all wrong. Dressing up is so much fun. Mainly because getting dressed up means that you’re going somewhere super fun where they are more than likely going to serve excellent food. Whether it be a special dinner date, a wedding, a banquet where you’re being honored, or a fancy reception, kids, please dress up and go. It will be worth your while. Of course, sometimes dressing up means that you have to go to work, but the key is this: the more dressed up you get for work, the less work that you actually have to do when you get there. Just ask Mr. Mondoo. He wears a suit and tie to work every day and still has the time to read about professional wrestling on the internets.
– “Ew, cooties!” Ok, kids, experience tells me that sometime around middle school, you’ll knock it off with the cootie stuff. Some cute boy or girl in your class will catch your eye, you’ll ask him/her to a pre-teen dance, you’ll meet him/her there, you’ll each stick with your respective groups of friends until a slow dance comes on, you’ll dance at arm’s-length until the song ends. You’ll repeat this sequence until the evening ends with an awkward hug or—gulp—kiss. In high school, you’ll probably actually land yourself a significant other. I’ll be honest, I don’t know about the ins and outs of high school relationships these days. The Today Show tells me they have something to do with sexting. Either way, you’ll be fully over the cootie thing by this time and things only get better in the love department from here on out.
– “But I don’t want to take a bath!” Oh, ok, so you’d rather be dirty? Kid, you’re gross. Why are you fighting a bath so much? This is another situation where the parents give you toys to play with. I hate to break it to you, but when you’re an adult, you don’t get to play with many toys, especially in the shower. Enjoy it while you can. Baths and/or showers get pretty awesome as you grow up though. Mostly because you realize that your filth is going to prevent you from getting close to your cootie-less crush. Most days, I take two showers and I love them. They are so warm and relaxing and if it weren’t for our water bill, I’d stay in there for at least an hour.
– “I’m not eating THAT!” To this day, I will never understand why children have such a love obsession with chicken nuggets. Besides candy and cookies, they are really the only food that all children readily eat when you place it in front of them. And really, have you ever cracked open a chicken nugget from McDonald’s? That is not chicken. Chicken isn’t gray. Furthermore, from working with college students for years preceding my unemployment, I can safely say that most of you kids won’t grow out of this obsession with chicken nuggets until you’re at least 22. Then again, if someone were to supply me with chicken nuggets from, say, Chick-fil-a, I’d probably eat them every day. But I’d also want tacos and beef tenderloin, too. I am pregnant after all. And an adult, so my palate is much more refined.
– “But I don’t wanna take a nap!” Remember my favorite almost-three-year-old from Virginia? Well she’s three now and all that means is that she still doesn’t want to take a nap when Mondoo is over to visit:
My favorite stay-at-home mom: Here, drink your milk.
My favorite three-year-old: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I don’t want to take a nap!
My favorite stay-at-home mom: You don’t have to take a nap, you just have to drink your milk.
My favorite three-year-old: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! No milk, no nap. I want juice.
My favorite stay-at-home mom: You can have some juice after you drink your milk. And you don’t have to take a nap, you just have to drink your milk.
My favorite three-year-old: NOOOOOOOOOOO! No nap, no milk.
Some kids are even so serious about not taking naps that they sometimes injure people. When Mr. Mondoo was a little tyke, he was so adamant that he not take a nap that this otherwise well-behaved child actually kicked his pregnant mother in the stomach (which explains a lot about Mrs. Zack Morris). As if he thought that would help his cause. First and last spanking he ever received and totally justified, too. Because naps are awesome! Kids, you have no idea. I’d give anything to be able to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. I know what you’re thinking: “But Mondoo, you can! You’re unemployed!” FALSE. I rarely take naps during the afternoon, if at all. I may be unemployed but I’m not lazy and worthless. It’s bad enough that I sit in my pajamas until noon writing blog entries, I can’t start taking naps, too. But anyways, naps, yes, naps are awesome. Kids, you are dumb sometimes.