Unless you’ve been pregnant or have listened to me complain for the past 27 weeks, you may not know about all of the things that pregnant ladies can’t eat. Some are obvious like alcohol and sushi (cooked stuff is ok but not nearly as satisfying) but some are quite bizarre (and a load of bull if you ask Mr. Mondoo). I guess steering clear of unpasteurized cheese makes sense but did you also know that pregnant ladies can’t have cold cuts? It’s true (damn you, listeria!). Never fear, I can eat sandwiches within the comfort of my own home as long as I heat my meat to the point of steaming. But gone are the days of ordering up a cold cut sub when I’m out on the town. Well, at least until sometime in May.
The elements of child safety only continue as you progress through pregnancy and start buying all the necessary equipment that babies require and, boy, there is a ton. You know what else there are a ton of? Recalls. Jeesh. First, they recalled cribs, who knows why. Then they recalled select Graco Travel Systems because the hinge can apparently snap your baby’s finger off. Alright, fair enough. I guess I don’t want my baby’s finger to snap in half like a pencil. They didn’t have to worry about hinges like that back in the day, well at least Mr. Mondoo’s parents didn’t. Each and every time they strapped him in his car seat, he demanded to be taken to “Dairy Keen!” Upon their arrival, he was given two baby cones, one for each hand, and alternated eating them one at a time. Happy as a clam. Fingers safe. Because they were preoccupied with ice cream. But perhaps the most ridiculous child safety recall as of late has been Roman blinds. How do you recall such an abundant fixture that has been in homes across the world for years and years? Yes. Cords and strings can strangle people. Keep them out of reach and you’ll be fine.
And yes, child safety only gets worse after they get here. Did you know that children have to be in a car and/or booster seats until they are 4’9”? Um, that’s only four inches shorter than Mondoo! Thank GOD they didn’t have this law when I was a child or I would’ve been sitting in a booster seat until I reached high school. If I were a short child in this day and age, I would call discrimination. I’ve never seen those Little People sitting in booster seats on TLC.
Now, I’ve been damn near calling shenanigans on a lot of this child safety stuff, but I’ve hesitated mainly because although these precautions are somewhat ridiculous, overall, I do want Baby Girl to be safe. It’s the responsible thing to do. But when Mr. Mondoo alerted me to this child safety article yesterday, I felt a shenanigans boiling up inside of me! If you’re not into clicking on my links because you think they might be viruses, I’ll sum up the article for you. The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a report yesterday calling for the redesign of the hot dog, dubbed a “high risk food,” because they are choking hazards for young children. A choking hazard? SHENANIGANS! Maybe only if you’re an idiot parent and don’t cut up your children’s food to an appropriate size to their age. And redesigning the hot dog’s shape? To what exactly? SHENANIGANS! If we changed the shape of the hot dogs, what would ballparks shoot out of those hot dog guns? And more importantly, how would a fan catch them? Please don’t change the shape of the hot dog and ruin the only reason I tolerate baseball games! Furthermore, there aren’t really a lot of foods out there that are easier to chew than a hot dog, so why should we change the texture and consistency? SHENANIGANS! If your child reaches the age of six (the apparently safe age to begin consuming hot dogs) and still can’t chew, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than the design of the hot dog.
Listen, Mr. Mondoo and I grew up on hot dogs. Mine were usually scrambled with eggs on Saturday morning while Mr. Mondoo’s were given to him cold with a side of hot beets from his grandmother who although well-meaning, couldn’t cook worth a lick. We turned out just fine. So, cribs, travel systems, booster seats, I’ll go along with those, but this whole hot dog thing? I have one thing to say: “Safety, schmafety.”