Ok, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how relevant this Love/Hate will be to anyone besides Mr. Mondoo and mrs. zack morris, but after being forced to watch not just one, but TWO wrestling entertainment programs (WWE Raw and TNA Impact) this past Monday night, I felt compelled to write about it. How was I exposed to professional wrestling in the first place? Remind yourself by reading this. Why do I continue to watch it? Well, folks, I love spending time with my husband, even if it means that I have to watch professional wrestling. And it doesn’t hurt to be well-rounded either. Literature? Check! Gourmet food? Check! Sports? Check! Professional Wrestling? Check! That doesn’t mean that I don’t hate stuff about it though…
1) Turns. I love soap operas. I do. Cheesy as they are, I can’t help get caught up in all of the drama. And it’s so hard not to get caught up in rooting for the heroes and rallying against the villains. Well, wrestling has one up on soap operas because their heroes (faces) and villains (heels) sometimes complete “turns” where a wrestler switches from face to heel or vice versa, usually in a very dramatic fashion. In soap operas, occasionally there will be turns and diehard fans will send a bunch of crazy letters to the writers. Well imagine if all those crazy soap opera fans were drunk, and sitting in the audience as their beloved star turned evil. I give you Hulk Hogan’s heel turn.
2) Highflyers. I know, when you think of wrestling you think of big, muscle-y guys in speedos (or maybe you also think about beer, white trash, and West Virginia, whatever) but there are these little wrestlers (not to be confused with little people, who also actually appear on wrestling, must to Mondoo’s chagrin, more on that below) called highflyers. They do all sorts of acrobatic movements and it’s pretty exciting. Wrestlers like to be called entertainers, which makes sense because some wrestlers don’t look like athletes, but these highflyers = athletes.
3) Raw Guest Hosts. Last summer, WWE Raw devised a brilliant plan to increase ratings, celebrity guest hosts. Why would a celebrity ever want to host an episode of professional wrestling? Well, free advertisement, of course! In all seriousness, Raw is among the most- watched regularly scheduled programs on primetime cable television and WWE programming reaches 15.8 million viewers in the U.S. each week (Source). So, if you’re a celebrity and you want to promote something, Raw is the place for you. Raw usually succeeds at selecting a variety of excellent guest hosts: Hosts that appeal to Mondoo (Bob Barker and pre-scandal Ben Roethilisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers Offensive Line), those who actually participate in wrestling or in storylines (Seth Green and Freddie Prinze Jr.) and old-timey wrestlers (Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, Dusty Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, Bret Hart).
4) Entrances. Ok, just in case you’ve never watched a minute of professional wrestling in your life (although I don’t believe it!), you should know that before the match, each opponent is announced to the crowd and makes an official entrance complete with theme music, lights, pyrotechnics, it’s pretty fabulous in a pageantry sorta way. It’s also pretty fabulous because wrestler entrances run the gamut: terrifying, crowd appeal, wet, and… this… um… out of respect for any 141characters readers who took part in the 3.03.10 campaign to end the R-word, I will refrain from using the term but watch the clip and you’ll get the idea.
5) The Rock. No surprise here, Mondoo LOVES The Rock! I bring him up all the time on this blog and I make no apologies. That man is gorgeous and he got his start in the biz with wrestling. And I hear that he is going to be hosting Raw soon. Honestly, besides the birth of my daughter, nothing makes me more excited for the summer. Well, maybe ice cream.
1) Divas. Ugh, yeah, professional wrestling has these creatures called “divas.” Basically, they are bimbo, fake-chested woman who can’t wrestle but try really hard. And no one likes them. Not the crowd and not even Mr. Mondoo and he’s a pig. The only purpose that divas serve is to sluttily pose in Playboy and make Vince McMahon more money.
2) The Fall of Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan was easily the best professional wrestler of all time. And then he “retired” and needed more money and his family wanted to be famous, too, and it all has been downhill since his family’s ill-fated debut on VH1’s Celebreality. Car accidents, affairs, divorce, lawsuits, bad music, you name it, the Hulkster has done it. And it hasn’t been pretty. His legacy has completely changed. Shame.
3) Raw Guest Hosts. As cool as guest hosts are, some of them REALLY suck and serve no purpose other than promoting their latest project. Oh Raw, why even waste your time bringing them in? Criss Angel Mind Freak just looked creepy and did unimpressive tricks, Timbaland smoked weed the entire time, and I’m pretty sure Al Sharpton was on for two minutes during which the crowd booed him the entire time. Raw Host FAIL. Make them wrestle! That’s the best and should be a requirement.
4) Hornswoggle. You know that feeling you get when someone makes an inappropriate joke? I get that feeling each and every time I see Hornswoggle on Raw. You see, Hornswoggle is a little person… who Raw dresses up as a mute leprechaun. They continually beat him up and make jokes at his little people expense. Seriously, Matt Roloff needs to get off of his little people butt, stop growing pumpkins and annoying his family, and start advocating for this young man.
5) Wrestling Apparel. Ok, so wrestling is fake. Well, not fake, excuse me. It’s “entertainment” but they still have to move and be somewhat athletic and yet, these wrestlers choose to wear the most ridiculous get-ups. Attention wrestlers, although Mondoo professed earlier in the week not to be a fashionista, she knows that you should probably stay away from the following when wrestling: Timbs, black jeans, jorts, cut-off t-shirts, trunks and boots (it just looks weird to be wearing boots with your underwear), and translucent pale skin. So, take note.