“Oh hey, Mondoo’s Mailbag! Where have you been?”
“I’ve just been sitting here waiting for you to get desperate enough for post ideas that you would answer me.”
“Well, Mailbag, today is your day. I’m fresh out of post ideas. So, let me address these completely outdated questions from over a month ago.”
Our first question from over a month ago comes from Vitamin G:
Dear Mondoo, Let’s talk about cake. What is up with red velvet cake? Is it supposed to taste like something or just be pretty? I don’t get it. Also, if you had entered the cupcake contest (in which Summer and I got ROBBED of the gold) last weekend, what would you have made? Finally, I hear you are making carrot cake in the near future. Will there be raisins in it, and if not can I have a piece?
Long story short, red velvet cake is really just chocolate cake with red food coloring. I’m not sure what purpose it being red serves but you have to acknowledge, it does look pretty. Admittedly, I’m a sucker for red-colored chocolate cake. If presented with a red velvet cupcake, I will devour it on the spot.
First of all, let me say how totally bummed I am that I could not compete in the cupcake contest. Had I been here that weekend, I totally would’ve entered and probably gotten robbed of the gold along with you. As for my cupcake menu, I’m sure Mr. Mondoo would’ve forced me to bake those peanut butter cupcakes from that cupcake cookbook that you borrowed. But, ideally, I would’ve liked to create my own cupcake recipe. More specifically, some sort of sweet and salty concoction. I love cake and sweets but always feel the need to eat potato chips immediately after to balance out the sweetness overload. It would be pretty magical to have a cupcake that mixes the awesomeness of a Wendy’s Frosty and French Fries which in my humble opinion, is the best sweet/salty combination in the world. So, I probably would’ve spent all of my unemployed free time trying to perfect that recipe.
I did make a carrot cake and it DID have raisins. You would’ve stood no chance at getting a piece though, raisins or not. Mr. Mondoo ate that cake every evening for a week straight and even developed a song about it: “If anyone wants a piece of cake, they can go f*@k themselves.” So yeah, but if you want to try it, here’s the recipe!
Our next question today comes from mrs. zack morris:
If you had an unlimited budget, say winning the lottery or something, what is ONE thing you would buy? (Charity contributions aside, we know that you’re a giving and generous person, so have fun instead with this and pretend spoil yourself!) Would you go on a trip, buy something extravagant, design a super nice house with his and her amenities in the bathroom? (I lived with Mr. Mondoo for nearly 20 years, I’d splurge for a separate bathroom all together to be honest with you….)
Well, even though you acknowledged that I would donate money to charity, I just want to say that yes, I totally would, so as I continue with this response, you’ll know that I’m not completely shallow. First, I would donate a lot of money to education… mainly mine, in paying off student loans. I’d also like to save a good portion of my winnings to cover the surely enormous costs of sending my children to college 18 years from now.
Shopping sprees and dream houses aside (and yes, I hear you on the bathroom thing. Separate bathrooms would be nice but then again, one more additional bathroom that I’d have to clean, so double sinks would probably work out just fine), perhaps the most extravagant way that I would like to spend my money would be for Mr. Mondoo to quit his job, pack up the family, and hit the road, stopping at each and every Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives along the way. Mr. Mondoo and I did a scaled down version of this trip this past summer and hit up four of the Triple D locations. I gained five pounds but it was totally worth it. I can only imagine how much weight I would gain if we stopped at all of the Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives so I would then probably have to use another large portion of my winnings on plastic surgery. Not the kind that leaves you all plasticy (like Heidi Montag-Pratt) or deformed (like the ladies on those horror stories of plastic surgery specials on E! and MTV) but the good kind that Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson get after they balloon up, release an album, and then need to get skinny again. Oh! Or the plastic surgeon that Demi Moore uses. There’s no way that woman hasn’t had plastic surgery. She looks younger than she did in Ghost AND she looks good. Yes, I’d spend my money with her plastic surgeon to help me get into shape for the Mondoo’s next extravagant adventure, moving to Bermuda. Beaches where the sand falls right off of you? Check! Temperatures in the 70s all year long? Check! The chance that my children will grow up speaking with a British accent? Check! See you in Bermuda!
Our final question this week comes from Cowgirl Sarah:
What’s your favorite sports movie? Favorite fictional athlete?
Hands down, Remember the Titans. It has everything that I love in a movie: Denzel, cross-cultural unity, a pre-harlot obsessed with dating older men- Hayden Panettiere, and Donald Faison (love him in Clueless, hate him in Scrubs. Well, really, I just hate Scrubs). I’m also a sucker for any movie that is remotely based upon a true story. Apparently Remember the Titans is largely exaggerated but I don’t care. I still pretend that it is real.
I don’t know that I have a favorite fictional athlete but I do think that Billy Bob of Varsity Blues fame is pretty fantastic. I know that fat guys can get away with playing football because you need solid guys to block and what not but is it really feasible that Billy Bob is a real athlete? Probably not. You need to have some semblance of muscle in order to be an athlete. Or wait, maybe you don’t, I mean, have you seen Ben Roethlisburger lately? If you have seen him lately, I hope that you haven’t seen him in any bathrooms. Nevertheless, Billy Bob is pretty cool, has a pet pig, and played a spoofed version of his Billy Bob character (aptly named Reggie Ray) in Not Another Teen Movie.
If you have a question for Mondoo, please leave it in the comment section of this post or send it to email@example.com. I promise that I will answer it in a more timely fashion this time. Really, I will, life isn’t provide nearly enough blogging material these days.