Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Wow. Is it me or are all male celebrities cheating on their wives lately? I just don’t understand it. No matter who you are, if you’re attracted to someone else or better yet, in love with someone else, do the honorable thing and own up to your partner BEFORE you jump in the sack with your whore. It’s really that easy. And respectful.
Alright, now that I got that soapbox out of the way, let me give these guys some advice. I love giving advice and I’m good at it, too, so listen up. Cheaters, infidelity is obviously a problem for you. Perhaps you should pick up some other hobbies. Not sure what to take up? Never fear, Mondoo is here to help.
Tiger Woods. First of all, honey, I’m glad that you are rehabilitating yourself (although you refuse to tell us what you are being rehabilitated for along with further refusals to explain why you crashed your car, why you evaded police for days, why you’re on so many prescription drugs, etc.) but you look like hell these days. I guess that’s what happens when you not only have a wife to own up to but 15 other women to explain yourself to as well. Here’s something that you can do to occupy your time, you know, besides that golf thing. (Oh, by the way, thanks for announcing your return a month early. I love that it’s all anyone can talk about now. I hope that you choke.) Proofread your text messages before hitting send. Jeesh. And while we’re talking about cell phones, honestly, dude, you didn’t have a ho phone? How many millions are you worth and you couldn’t afford a Trac phone to keep up with your steppin’ out? Tiger FAIL.
Jesse James. Wow. You totally screwed up. Before Sandra Bullock, you were involved with a porn star. Then, for some reason, Sandra Bullock took you under her wing and you repay her by skeezing around with a tattoo model white supremacist Nazi? You sir, are an idiot. And you are a terrible dresser. In your spare time, try hiring a stylist or better yet, just stop shopping at your local Feed and Seed.
Ben Roethlisberger. Ok. Big Ben isn’t an adulterer, he’s just a screw up. But honestly, this douche needs some advice, too. Off the field, Big Ben is one mistake after another. First the motorcycle accident, then the crazy in Lake Tahoe, and now his recent shenanigans in Georgia. Ben, c’mon. Get your ish together. You’re on the Pittsburgh Steelers. We require better leadership than this. Here’s something that you can do in your spare time rather than screwing around with girls in bathrooms: lose some weight. Dude, you’re fat. And not fat in “oh you’re an athlete and just big” sorta way. No, you’re just fat. You used to look like this and now you look like this. As Mr. Mondoo pointed out, if you’re going to cycle onto the roids, you also have to work out, otherwise, you’re just gonna get fat. Get your butt to the gym and get in shape. Maybe then you won’t be so prone to concussions and might be able to convert a third down.
Thank God that I have Mr. Mondoo. He would never cheat on me. He knows better, trust me. One thing is for sure, if he cheated on me with any of the following celebrities, I would find his actions completely unforgivable:
– Kate Gosselin. I know that I may seem mean on this blog but Mr. Mondoo insists that I’m the sweetest pregnant lady ever. So if he shacked up with this hateful bitty, I’d be totally shocked. Plus, she’s saddled with eight growing kids and currently I’m still two months away from just one tiny baby. I win.
– Rihanna. Mr. Mondoo has even said “Rihanna has a bangin’ bod.” But apparently he hasn’t looked at her head. This woman is clearly an alien creature from another planet, look at her eyes! And that hair, c’mon. It’s worse than Kate Gosselin pre-hair extensions.
– Lindsay Lohan. Man, she looks like hell these days. Remember when she was in Mean Girls and was both adorable to women and sexy to men? Now, I think that she’s equally gross to everyone. If Mr. Mondoo cheated with Lindsay Lohan, besides be completely flabbergasted, I’d fear for his life. She be crazy. I mean, really, she’s suing the ETrade Babies, not for being really annoying and unfunny, but for allegedly mocking her. Not to mention all the police calls which have occurred because of her volatile relationship with that DJ Sam thing. Watch out, Mr. Mondoo, she’ll dangle your head from her review mirror just like Paula Abdul.
(Please note the photo used above. I Googled “cheaters” for a reusable picture and that one popped up. Not only did I school all of these celebrities but I also schooled the New England Patriots. I must be butter because I’m on a roll today, folks!)