So, Mondoo has been MIA lately. I have a good reason. I traveled back to my native land of Pennsylvania for a baby shower. MY baby shower actually. I’ve had two showers already and both were awesome and family and friends were extremely generous. However and quite frankly, the whole weekend has left me majorly exhausted, BUT not too exhausted to share some of my thoughts on showers, of course.
Showers are a scam. Yes, showers, for all occasions—wedding, baby (wait, are there seriously only two types of showers?)—are such a major scam. I admit it. The scammy nature of showers was chronicled in an episode of Sex and the City. In theory, Carrie has a great argument. If a woman chooses not to get married or have a baby, she misses out on countless gifts and overall an opportunity to celebrate her individually beyond her birthday. But still, that gives her no reason to begrudge women who do get married and have babies. Carrie, especially, had countless opportunities to take the plunge with any number of the guys that she dated throughout that series. That woman was just picky and holding out for a rich old guy with a big nose. And besides, weddings and babies are expensive! I’m sure most people don’t even break even on these things so really, we’re just scamming ourselves. Singles, don’t get upset about the gifts you’re not getting, just think of all the money you’re saving by not spending it on useless wedding favors and dirty diapers.
In my defense, I tried to make mine the least scammy as possible by only inviting those people who I thought might buy me Baby a gift regardless of the happening of a shower. So, basically just close family and friends. If I really wanted to scam people, I totally would’ve invited distant relatives who I only see at weddings and funerals. On second thought, maybe I should have. There are still a lot of things that we need and didn’t get. Man, babies are expensive!
Gift registries. Nothing bothers me more than when parents set up gift registries for the birthdays of young children. How spoiled are your kids that they require only a specific set of toys at the age of two? Honestly, most kids that I’ve met love just running around and screaming. No toys (or registries) required. Mr. Mondoo, in typical Mr. Mondoo fashion, called shenanigans on me for this assertion mainly because I love registries for weddings and babies. Well, here’s the difference. Wedding and baby registries are for me. Mondoo is an Anal Annie. She is very particular and likes what she likes. Registries ensure that I get exactly what I want. Children shouldn’t grow up to be like this, so keep them away from gift registries!
But yes, adult registries are fantastic. Except for when people can’t use them properly. Here’s the thing people, don’t just look at the registry and buy the items, you also need to have the cashier scan the registry paper otherwise, I end up with endless multiples of things like diaper pails, plain onesies, pacifiers, and blankets forcing the eight-month pregnant lady to trudge to Target and exchange them. I don’t mind when people buy things that aren’t on the registry though because usually, they are awesome things that I didn’t even think to put on my registry. I do have a problem with people who just buy a cheaper version of an item that IS on my registry. I wanted Pyrex, dammit, not the cheap-ass stuff from Walmart!
And while we’re talking about gifts, at what other party is it appropriate to gift a rectal thermometer, a plastic device that sucks snot out of a person’s nose, and a garbage can specifically designed to house human excrement? Still jealous, singles?
Now, literally, I have to go and shower. Unemployed people need to be clean, too, you know.