Like the rug under my feet. That’s a line from a fantastic song by The Clarks. I LOVE The Clarks. Anyways, yes, boys lie. But no worries, this isn’t another tirade about filthy cheaters. No. This is a post about how my husband is a dirty liar. Intrigued? Of course you are, I wrote it so you would be.
Yes. Mr. Mondoo is a liar. You may remember this assertion from an edition of Mondoo’s Mailbag. If not, let me explain:
“… he makes up these total unbelievable lies about nothing important (“Did you know that eventually the ocean is going to turn red?”) I give him an annoying, completely disbelieving look and say: “You’re lying.” He then goes into great depth explaining his lie with all sorts of scientific facts and research. I become intrigued and kinda start to believe him. He continues and I then search for validity one last time by asking “Are you really serious?” And he replies with a satisfied: “No.” What. A. Jerk. “
He “lies” like this so much that I often think that he is lying when he is actually telling the truth…
The Frownie Brownie
The Lie: One day, Mr. Mondoo and I were driving around the Pittsburgh area and encountered a King’s Family Restaurant that had recently undergone an exterior make-over. I commented and Mr. Mondoo began talking and like always, I only half-listened until I heard the words “Frownie Brownie.”
Mondoo: “Wait, what? Frownie Brownie?!”
Mondoo: “You are, of course, lying.”
Mr. Mondoo: “No I’m not!”
Mondoo: “Oh c’mon. Frownie Brownie? That’s totally made up. Why do you always do this to me?”
Mr. Mondoo: “Fine. Look it up when we get home.”
Mondoo’s Breakdown: I love when companies call out each other in ad campaigns. It takes cojones. I like that. So, how could I not have heard about the Frownie Brownie all of these years? And Smiley Cookies I’ve had but a Frownie Brownie? Nope. Never. And I LOVE chocolate. Surely, Mr. Mondoo is lying.
The Truth: He wasn’t lying. Frownie Mondoo.
The Lie: The Mondoos were watching the Olympics and this commercial came on the TV:
Mondoo: “What kind of monkeys are they?!” (I don’t get out much. Or see many monkeys).
Mr. Mondoo: “Snow monkeys!”
Mondoo: “Yeah right!”
Mr. Mondoo: “What? They’re snow monkeys! They’re very smart. Look it up if you don’t believe me.”
Mondoo’s Breakdown: Monkeys, hanging out in the snow, snow monkeys. Makes sense. But seems kinda obvious. Creatures who look like that must be named something more exotic. Snow monkeys? He MUST be pulling a fast one on me.
The Truth: I did look it up. And he was right. Again. And apparently snow monkeys are very smart. Probably smart enough to know how to use that GeoSpring Hybrid machine thing. And also probably smart enough to know what snow monkeys are. Oh and that more exotic name… Japanese Macaque, so HA! I was right about that one. But yes, they are also known as snow monkeys.
The Lie: So, Baby is less than seven weeks (that’s no lie) from her debut and the Mondoos needed a bigger car. And one with air conditioning because I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to ride babies in a car during the summer without air conditioning. At least that’s what I told Mr. Mondoo when I was convincing him to trade in his 99 Oldsmobile Intrigue rather than my 03 Chevrolet Cavalier that still has working AC (see, he’s not the only one who can lie). After much research (completed by my father-in-law, he loves that kinda stuff), the Mondoos settled on a 2010 Hyundai Santa Fe. I’ll be honest. It’s pretty fantastic (even though I’ve only gotten to drive it about four times. In addition to a liar, Mr. Mondoo is also a new car hog).
Mondoo: “I was super nervous to drive this big vehicle but it’s super easy to turn and back-up!”
Mr. Mondoo: “That’s because it’s a crossover.”
Mondoo: “I’m sorry, a what?”
Mr. Mondoo: “A crossover. An SUV built on a car frame so it drives like a car but has the size of an SUV.”
Mondoo’s Breakdown: I have never heard of this term as it relates to automobiles. Music stars, maybe. Lots of country stars proclaim to be crossover artists. That’s a bunch of bull though because really all that music producers do is take the twang out of the song and then pimp it out to pop stations. I don’t know how that constitutes Faith Hill as a crossover artist but whatever.
The Truth: He was right again. Crossovers are a type of SUV built upon a car frame, thus giving it attributes of both. Are you sick of his knowledge of useless facts yet? I know that I am.
The Poca Dots
The Lie: Mr. Mondoo was traveling for work one day and excitedly returned home. He, no doubt, was excited to see me. FALSE! He was excited to get home and lie to me about a discovery in the little town of Poca, WV.
Mr. Mondoo: “Oh my. The mascot as the Poca High School is a dot! The Poca Dots!”
Mondoo’s Breakdown: This is OBVIOUSLY made up, right? Although clever and extremely entertaining to me, there is no way that could be real. I worked at a college in Southwestern Virginia whose mascot was a color. A couple years ago, they began a search for a mascot. The obvious choice, a crayon. But no. They chose a hawk (a hawk?) instead. No school administration would go with the obvious and fun choice. Right?
The Truth: Oh, but the Dots are real. Just as real as the Frownie Brownie and snow monkeys. He got me again. Jerk.
Jimmy Soul’s “If You Wanna Be Happy”
Mr. Mondoo (singing happily): “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!”
Mondoo: “How dare you?!”
Mr. Mondoo: “What?! No! It’s a real song!”
Mondoo’s Breakdown: Naturally, I’m offended. You see, Mr. Mondoo makes up songs and sings them to me all the time. Most of them are about how much he loves me or how bad my feet smell (note: my feet DO NOT smell). So, when I heard this tune, NOT PLEASED. How dare he call me ugly? I may currently be 25 pounds overweight (Thanks Baby!) but I DO NOT think that I’m ugly. Besides, how do you call a pregnant lady ugly?! That’s just mean.
The Truth: Thankfully, he wasn’t calling me ugly. It’s a real song:
Owned again. This time, frankly, I was glad.
So, you see, Mr. Mondoo is a liar! Well, not a liar, I guess. He actually tells the truth. But about the dumbest things. I guess this is what makes him really good at trivia. If only he could take his trivia talents on the road and earn us some money at Jeopardy. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad about STILL being unemployed.