Things You Should Never Say to a Nine-Month Pregnant Woman

7 May

Just when I thought that I had covered all the inappropriate things that the clueless say to pregnant women, I hit Month Nine and people turned the ignorance up a notch.  Again, Mr. Mondoo says that I’m the sweetest pregnant lady that he’s ever met.  I think that he was right… until a couple weeks ago.  Admittedly, I’ve started to get cranky.  I just want to meet my baby and not feel so uncomfortable, is that too much to ask?  Baby, come out!  The only thing that bothers me more than Month Nine is, again, the ignorance of the non-pregnant population.  I know that I’ve mentioned this in Love/Hate:  Being Pregnant, but the biggest offenders of these phrases:  MOMS!  I don’t understand it!  As soon as that baby pops out, do the majority of you forget about the agony (definition:  being uncomfortable with a side of anticipation of when/how Baby will arrive) of Month Nine?!  You must or you would never commit such an act of discord.  At this moment, I make it my solemn vow to ALWAYS commiserate with the feelings of pregnant women that I may encounter in the future.  In the meantime, let me, once again, educate the masses.  You’re welcome.

“Sleep while you can.” I don’t know about other pregnant women but at nine months, I can’t sleep through the night to save my life.  Between trying to find a comfortable position, heading to the bathroom every five minutes (not to mention that it takes me five minutes to get out of bed), and not being able to breathe without a humidifier and a Breathe-Right Strip (and apparently snoring like a trucker, right Mr. Mondoo?), I may actually get more sleep after the baby gets here, but thanks for the advice.

“She’ll come when she’s ready!” Listen, the baby is full-term at this point.  She’s ready.  And more importantly, I’M READY.  C’mon Baby!  Alright, alright, I know that the longer she’s in their on her own terms, the healthier she’ll be.  I get it.  But saying this to a pregnant lady with two weeks left is like reminding her that her body will be forever changed.  We know that it’s a possibility but we don’t want to hear it.  Instead try saying, “Man, I wish that she would come out, too!  I bet you’re uncomfortable!”  Yes!  I am!  Thank you!

“You’re not dilated at all.” I’ve heard from my doctor twice already and each time, I want to cry.  I know that it’s her job to inform me of this but is it too much to ask her to lie?  It would make me feel better.  I know that I still have two weeks left and that “she’ll come when she’s ready” but some sign of progress would be nice.  I mean, really.  At this point, I honestly feel like she’s never coming out.  And I’m sick of looking and feeling like a beached whale.  Plus, Mr. Mondoo was insanely large when he was born tipping the scale at over 9 pounds.  As of my ultrasound last week, Baby was clocking in at 6 pounds, 8 ounces ALREADY.  Fun fact:  Did you know that at this point, babies gain a half pound each week?  At this rate, she’ll near 9 pounds if we make it to the due date.  I know that this blog is semi-anonymous but I’m a tiny lady.  There’s no way a 9-pounder is coming out of me.  Physically impossible.  And terrifying.

“I feel so thin today!” OK, only one person—Mr. Mondoo, God love him— has said to this me but when he said it, I was so horrified and felt so betrayed.  He didn’t mean to be hurtful and he felt horrible once I gave him The Stare.  Now, I don’t begrudge him feeling thin.  I hope to feel thin again someday but wow, add that comment to other recent Mr. Mondoo gems like “I was looking at old photos, and I can’t believe how small you used to be!” and “I think that the high school girls I’m tutoring in mock trial are flirting with me,” and it’s become apparent that after eight months, Mr. Mondoo’s judgment has disappeared along with my pregnancy pleasantness.  Clueless and cranky, we’re quite a pair.  Hopefully we get it together before Baby arrives!  Good thing we have (at least!) two more weeks!


One Response to “Things You Should Never Say to a Nine-Month Pregnant Woman”

  1. kristinaprose May 7, 2010 at 1:40 pm #

    Mr. Mondoo comments = hilarious! Seriously, has he lost his mind?

    And if you recall – how many times I had to hear “let her cook longer” and “she’ll come when she’s ready”! Girl, I know just how you feel and it’s certainly no walk in the park!

    You’ll get plenty of sleep. Mothers are special and once you become one, I think you body adapts to the needs of your children. You can run on less sleep and you’ll love every minute of it.

    And seriously ask your doctor about this:
    At 38 weeks, it’ll be fine. Or I even saw a “do it yourself” link. hehe

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