Tag Archives: jobs

Wanted: Co-Blogger

19 Jan

I’m sure that you’ve all seen the latest news, Vitamin G has stepped down from her post as my co-blogger.  A sad day for 141characters indeed!  We’ll miss her and her witty thoughts about food, festivals, and zombies.  I gladly invite her back to guest post from time to time!  I’ll miss you, Vitamin G!   Mainly because this means that I have to come up with more blog posts.  Eek.  I suppose that I could look for a new co-blogger.  Hmmm.  Let’s see what some of my major requirements would be:

Must love food and hating on celebrities. I mean, what else would you write about?

Must hate vampires. Vitamin G wholeheartedly disagreed and it made things uncomfortable.

Must be a good writer. See any of Vitamin G’s posts for proper 141characters writing style.

Must be funny, but not funnier than me. Vitamin G was really clever but I’d like a new co-blogger to not be funnier than me, I want to be the outright funny one this time.  Selfish?  I don’t care.  It’s my blog now, suckas!

Must also be unemployed. Blogging is easier when you’re unemployed.  I think that’s where Vitamin G went wrong.

Interested in applying? Please send a writing sample that I may or may not steal from you and use as a future post.  It all depends on how funny it is.  I will then schedule an interview with you over a meal or ice cream.  You must pay.

On second thought, as much as I’d love the free ice cream, I’ll just stick to blogging by myself.  I will gladly take suggestions on future or recurring posts though!  Let me know what you want to see on 141characters and I’ll do my best to cover it.

Farewell, Vitamin G!

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Just call me, “Coach Mondoo”

8 Dec

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=football+coach&iid=5275232″ src=”e/a/e/b/Football_coach_standing_d4f3.jpg?adImageId=8126687&imageId=5275232″ width=”380″ height=”286″ /]

As many of you know, since I’ve moved to West Virginia, I have been searching for and have unsuccessfully procured a job within higher education.  Well folks, my ship may have finally come in; in scouring the human resource pages, I have finally found the position that is perfect for me.  With the following cover letter and resume (and any feedback you’d be willing to provide), I am positive that I can land this one.

Job Description:

Position Title: Head Football Coach, Marshall University.
Position Type: Full-time position. Salary: Commensurate with qualifications and experience.
Qualifications: Bachelor’s degree required, advanced degree preferred. Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) experience desired or considerable FBS assistant coaching experience or Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) head coaching experience; demonstrated ability to recruit FBS student-athletes and demonstrated commitment to their satisfactory academic progress and experience in managing an athletics budget, or equivalent.
Duties: Coach and administer a highly competitive football program that competes in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision and Conference USA.
Application Procedure: Send letter of application and resume to Head Football Coach Search Committee
Application Deadline: Position is open until filled.
Background Check Required: YES

Cover Letter:

Dear Head Football Coach Search Committee:

Please accept this cover letter and resume as my complete application for the position of Head Football Coach at Marshall University.  My Master of Education in Higher Education Administration and Student Personnel, years of work experience with college students, and my countless hours watching football and ESPN with my husband make me the ideal person for this position.

As a young child growing up in southwestern Pennsylvania, I have always been taught that football is a way of life.  Southwestern Pennsylvanians watch high school football on Friday, Penn State or Pitt football on Saturday, and then the Steelers on Sunday.  As an adolescent, I religiously attended every high school football game.  I like to think that even though I attended these games to socialize with my friends and stare at cute boys, I also picked up some necessary football knowledge through osmosis.  Furthermore, I always sat in the living room while my family watched Steelers’ games as well.  I could always tell when a game was going well (everyone cheered) or not going so well (my mother threw her slippers at the TV).  I must admit that I didn’t pay much attention to college football when I was younger, I had more important things to attend to at the local roller rink.

I can assure you that I will not only be committed to my players’ performance on the field but in the classroom as well.  In working with college students for the past five years, I’ve truly come to understand that the athletes of the institution require extra attention when it comes to their hygiene and discipline academics and I will do whatever I can (give them answers to the tests if I have to) to ensure their academic achievements.

I have also provided a resume that highlights my further qualifications and special skills that make me especially qualified for this position.  Should you have additional questions regarding my candidacy, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Mondoo

Resume:

Mondoo

West Virginia

(304) 367-4473 (FOR-HIRE)

Qualifications:

  • Meet your preferred education requirement with my advanced degree, a Master of Education in Higher Education Administration and Student Personnel
  • Five years of experience working with college students (Yes, three of those years were spent at a college whose football equivalent was lacrosse.  Despite the inaccurate assertions of such, I fully recognize that lacrosse is not a suitable replacement for football.  Everyone knows that lacrosse is just a douchey, rich kid sport for males who are afraid that playing a real sport like football might injure them or lower their class status).
  • Moderately interested in college football for the past four seasons in order to spend time with my husband on the weekends
  • Watched the 2006 film We Are Marshall even though it was the most depressing movie ever (Seriously, if you haven’t seen this already, don’t waste your time.  Spoiler alert:  the entire football team dies in a plane crash and then they bring a new team in the following season and they lose most of their games.  Buzzkill.  If you’re looking for an uplifting football movie, check out Remember the Titans.  They overcome prejudice and there’s a happy ending.)

Special Skills:

  • Especially scrappy for a short, blonde lady.  I may be sweet as pie (yum, pie) in most instances but anger me and no burly football player stands a chance.
  • Successfully renamed most of the football positions to make them more accurate and understandable to the general football fan.  Examples follow:
    • Quarterback= Ball Thrower
    • Receiver= Ball Catcher
    • Offensive Line= Protectors of Ball Thrower
    • Defensive Line=  Tacklers
    • Safety=All-Purpose Catcher of Offenders
    • Long Snapper=Ball Snapper
    • Kicker=Kicker
    • Punter=Punter
    • Kick Returner=Punt Catcher/Runner OR Player who usually just runs right into defenders after running a few yards; in some cases, this player can also run back for a touchdown, especially against the Pittsburgh Steelers special teams

References

  • Mr. Mondoo, Relation to Applicant:  Husband who has witnessed hours of football watching and coaching from the couch
  • Lou Holtz, Relation to Applicant:  The perfect on-air combination of my Puppup and my husband’s Pappap and my favorite football commentator
  • Charlie Batch, Relation to Applicant:  Witnessed the applicant’s commitment level and sense of encouragement and support as she held a sign for a back-up quarterback during one very hot August day at Pittsburgh Steelers Training Camp

I don’t know about you all, but I have a good feeling about this one.

For Hire: Arrgh!

24 Nov

A couple of times during my brief residence here in West Virginia, I’ve stopped by the local Foodland (read: small, inadequate, oftentimes dirty-ish grocery store) to pick up a few things later on a Friday night.  (I realize how lame that makes me sound, grocery shopping late on a Friday night, but I swear it’s only to drop in to get milk or something and it’s after all of my cool kid festivities are over.  I swear.)  Each time I’ve visited the Foodland on Friday evening, I see him.  A pirate.  Shining the floors with an industrial-sized buffer.  To be fair, I don’t know if he’s a real pirate but he was wearing an eye patch and seemed kinda dirty.  Possibly smelly.  So, based on all things stereotype, there is a pirate who cleans the floors at Foodland on Friday nights.  He got me thinking though.  I’m sure pirates have real jobs when they aren’t out sailing the high seas.  What are some other jobs that pirates may have in the off-season?  Certainly there’s no hope in major league baseball (Zing!  I got you, Pittsburgh Pirates!).  Here are some possibilities though:

 

Dating Service Spokesman: I mean, who better to help you find your matey than a pirate?  Jack Sparrow, despite his various pirate diseases, always got the girl.

Spanish Tutor: I took Spanish for years and always had trouble rolling my Rs when I came across an “erre.”  I could’ve used a pirate Spanish tutor.  They have plenty of practice with RRRs and I’m sure pirates have picked up speaking skills in various foreign languages during their pillaging travels.

Bus Driver: It takes a skilled navigator to plot a course on the high seas, especially during a storm or while you’re fleeing your enemies.  These skills are easily adaptable to a bus driver navigating the city streets.  I bet if you’re quiet and toss him a few doubloons, he won’t make you walk the plank.

Mall Cop: Who better to patrol retail stores during the holiday shopping season than a pirate?  He knows exactly what kind of swindling and swashbuckling to look out for.  Get that pirate a Segway and it’ll make him feel like he’s surveying from the crow’s nest.

Bounty Hunter: It seems like a logical transition from a booty hunter to a bounty hunter.  I like to think that a pirate would welcome the opportunity to hunt for criminals rather than be the hunted—or he could turn out to be both!

Pawn Shop Owner: Everyone knows that pirates have the ultimate skills in business and bartering, not to mention their eye for quality goods.  I don’t know about you, but I’d visit Blackbeard’s Treasure Chest and Pawn Shop.

Arrrrt Teacher: To be honest, I don’t know what qualifies a pirate to be an art teacher.  Arrgh and Arrrt was just an easy comparison.

 

In other pirate news, have you ever wondered what your pirate name may be?  Thanks to my sister-in-law and her knowledge of all things pirate, here is a quiz to help you out with that one:  http://www.piratequiz.com/.  For the record, my pirate name is Dirty Anne Bonney.

 

Boss’s Day. Really?

16 Oct

boss cake

October 16 is Boss’s Day, if you didn’t know.  But if you aren’t celebrating it you are not alone.  According to Wikipedia, some lady started Boss’s Day in 1962 by registering it with the Chamber of Commerce and she picked October 16 because that was her dad’s birthday, and her dad was her boss.  Okay.  I have a couple issues with this.  First, there already was a day to celebrate her dad, TWO of them in fact—his birthday and Father’s Day.  Second, whoa, so we can just register holidays with the government?  Why am I wasting time here when I could be out registering holidays like Mailman’s Day and National Day of Soup?

I feel bad for all those people suckered into buying their bosses—who make exponentially larger salaries than they do—cards and baskets of fruit today.  When I was a secretary and made literally ten percent of what my bosses brought home, I didn’t get them a thing for Boss’s Day except for a raised eyebrow and maybe a little less sass.  Maybe.  It’s great when people love their bosses, really it is.  And good bosses should be repaid in gratitude by coming into work on time, filing things in correct order (be it numerical or alphabetical), courteous phone manners, etc.  Surely there should be a day for all of this repayment to occur, right?  Oh yes, there is already a day for it, and I call it “Every Day You Don’t Get Fired.”  If you have a boss you adore, chances are you are already doing these things, and if you hate your boss, well then you are probably not celebrating Boss’s Day anyway, or at least not celebrating it in any appropriate fashion.

One more thing, did you notice in that article that India celebrates Boss’s Day?  If anyone has less cause to celebrate Boss’s Day than our workforce, it’s probably India.

Running Away With the Circus

9 Oct

I just finished the book Water for Elephants, which is about a circus in the 1930s. I’ve always been enamored with the circus, especially the old timey circus, so this book really had me absorbed—traveling on a dirty train car with animals and tents and candy. My friend got me a book about famous sideshow acts once, so I’m well versed in subjects like Lobster Boy and Eng and Chang the notorious Siamese twins. I’ve also seen the movie Freaks. Freaks was made in the early thirties and it starred a lot of the popular sideshow performers of the time. It’s about a circus, obviously, and it is thoroughly traumatizing. Especially when the sideshow acts are slithering toward the trapeze lady in the dark trying to kill her. The Human Caterpillar with the knife in his mouth was a particularly nightmare-inducing image for me.

I doubt working on, or running away with, a circus these days is anything like it used to be. Is there a circus union? There are still trains, I know that. And I know that because in high school we had to write reports on what we wanted to be when we grew up and actually interview people with that job and my best friend chose circus performer. It turned out to be a big conflict because the teacher claimed she wasn’t taking the project seriously and she couldn’t choose circus performer because she couldn’t get around the “interview a real person with this job” requirement. Well, lucky for my friend the circus was in town, and she interviewed those performers and enlightened us all. And the teacher got what she deserved for making a bunch of 16 year olds write about jobs they wanted. The other jobs I remember that people wrote on were lighthouse keeper, taxidermist, guy who clears birds off plane runways, and florist. Florist was mine, under protest. I had originally chosen pirate, but the teacher had the same problem with mine that she did with circus performer. But if I didn’t go and find myself a real pirate! His name was Bananas and he lived on a boat in the Caribbean and we had arrangements to conduct the interview over the phone at a port. And wouldn’t you know, the teacher still wouldn’t let me use it.